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Back from the holidays
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this post was submitted on 02 Jan 2024
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The last meeting I had before my break was with an aggressively toxic team. It left me stressed through the holidays.
My boyfriend had to work Christmas and New Years which left me alone a lot of my time off.
Today I was supposed to go back to work and I just couldn't. I called in sick and had a mini-breakdown with my boyfriend.
Something needs to change for me but I'm not sure what. My stress levels are unmanageable. I keep feeling like I'm putting off living a happy, healthy, life until I can retire.
The tragedy is, this is not abnormal anymore. Especially not in the U.S.
True. And I recognize that I have a lot more to be grateful for than most. Today just hit me a lot harder than usual.
I had a laughing fit as I walked towards my front door this morning.
It's so absurd, I laughed. But there was nothing funny.
You absolutely deserve to feel that way no matter your gratitude. I was not trying to criticize you and I'm sorry if I came off that way. It's a tragedy because a lot of people are pretty entitled to feel like that. Including plenty of people who used to be considered middle class.
Easier said than done, but what needs to change is your job, or so it seems. Everybody doesn’t need to love their job, but hating what you do 8+ hours a day is a sure path to a misarable existence. I’m also not overjoyed to be back to work, but I’m fine with it, and it always gets better after a few days, as I catch the flow again.
Btw also make sure your health is fine, I had a friend who couldn’t get out of bed some days, and turns out she had an undiagnosed medical issue, and now got better with medication.
Edit: also, I’m a leader with an international career, so if you have some general “corporate-y” questions I’m happy to give some unbiased steering.
Thank you for the suggestions. I agree, and so does my boyfriend, that my job ultimately needs to change.
I'm in a weird state with my things because I'm one of those software engineers who has been pushed into management because it turns out I'm good at managing. And the product we are trying to launch is something I'm passionate about. I'm also fairly well compensated. On paper this should be a great situation.
But I am constantly having to deal with a chaotic, but well-meaning, person at the top, and other teams with extreme political agendas that make even talking with them nothing but stress. I had three bystanders in the meeting I mentioned reach out and apologize to me for not standing up to the "ambush" (one of their words, but appropriate).
And the biggest issue for me is the compensation and management side of things. I have no idea how to get hired as a manager because I spent all of my interviews in the past as a software engineer. And my software engineer skills have basically disappeared over the last 4+ years of managing.
So I expect that any exit from here would be accompanied by a significant pay cut. The big names in my field all have had mass layoffs, as have tangential fields that I'm qualified for.
I also have a mortgage on a condo that I love. I bought it months before the pandemic hit and unfortunately it's in a neighborhood hit particularly hard by tech flight. Coupled with bad interest rates, I'd be lucky to be able to sell for hundreds of thousand less than I paid for my place. And then wouldn't be able to afford a new one with today's rates.
So I keep pushing forward to my next stock grant despite the stress without an exit strategy. I have golden handcuffs on.
My current thought is to struggle through a couple more years, saving up as much as possible, and quitting to start my own indie games studio. Not the smartest of financial choices but it would at least be a path that let's me pursue passion projects, re-up my technical skills, and wouldn't be too terrible on my resume.
Honestly, you should just apply for the position and see if you get through the interview (you don't need to quit your current job before accepting interviews). A few of my friends at work basically went from software developers into management. A lot of places actually look for ex-devs for their management because the experience carries over.
I'm in a similar position right now where the dev team I'm working in is making me absolutely miserable, and I just brushed-up the resume and started looking for another job.
Hope you pull through! Toxic teams really suck!
Thanks! Good luck to you as well.
It may be that I've been dealing with this toxicity on and off for 8 years now and in my head everyone else is just as bad. All my exit strategies I come up with involve leaving the industry or going it alone.
I second the "just apply for management jobs". I'd kill for quality devs who are interested in management. It's easier to teach a dev business than to teach an MBA how to code.
While it's not a one way street, it's easier to get devs in the sweet spot than the other way around. The sweet spot being that confluence of business and tech.
See you already received some great advice. Agree, just brush up the resume and start applying. Tech is tough now, but should be temprorary, and anyway just start applying and see how they respond to your current or higher salary demend.
One important thing: from management and upwards, it’s always very political, this will not be radically different in any organization - if you want this path, you have to learn to navigate it. And if you e.g. start your own firm with 2 people, than you will have to deal with politics on your client’s side, with your publisher, industry regulator, etc.
I understand that when in a situation, it’s hard to realize, but you’re not in a terrible position based on the things you mentioned, and you can earn great money with the experience you already have at your current and other firms. If you think about switching, than just shop around with your CV, and see what is out there - it could easily happen that other places can offer the same money for less stress, or maybe after seeing how everyone would pay you 20% less you decide to stay. You will never know until you look around.
Absolutely quit that job. It's not worth the damage it's causing to you. If you can't just up and leave, spend your downtime and free time on the hunt and just bounce when you get a new gig.
Your happiness has value, and if this company isn't contributing to that value, they're not giving you enough.
Yeah that resonates with me too
Sounds like an awful place to work. What field you in? Do you know of any better places to work out there?
You couldn't go and spend time with your mates on New Year's Eve at least? Surely it's just a case of joining a party?
It was a consideration, but my friends all went to a dance party where they did a bunch of molly and had fun sexual adventures. I'm in recovery so it would have been not the safest night for me to join.
My boyfriend made an effort and got home just before midnight so we could spend it watching fireworks on the roof of my building. That part was lovely but the rest of the day was a bit lonely.