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this post was submitted on 05 May 2024
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Parenting. Before I had kids I was often judgmental of parents, but now I've realized all the things I didn't take into account and all the things you just don't have control over. In my case, I was not expecting to be a single parent, there was the pandemic, and I did not factor in how impactful the lack of sleep and autonomy would be.
My mom told me she used to judge the parents in the shops with screaming kids, we didn't do that and she thought it was her excellent parenting. She said "Then God gave me Janet" to cure her judgemental hubris, lol.
Nobody is a good parent all the time, we aren't robots and exhaustion is such a drain on intelligence and compassion. But most of us are good parents enough of the time, thankfully.
Fucking Janet
I've got one thing to say and that's
Dammit Janet
I love youuuuu
I was one of those rare, quiet kids, so until my brother was born my parents were just reinforced in their belief that other parents were just shitty parents.
Even without suddenly becoming single, or a pandemic, or anything, being a parent isn't something that can be explained to someone who hasn't experienced it, IMO. You can use words to explain, that you think are accurate. But it just has to be experienced to fully understand. The fatigue, the change in stress levels, the amount of time you lose. Conceptually not hard to grasp. But the way it feels, different story. "Wow, this is worse/more than I thought."
But given all that, it's also hard to explain that it's all worth it. One of the best things about being a parent right now for me personally, is watching my kids learn everything for the first time, and the wonders of learning, beaming from their eyes. It's such a privilege being the one to have a chance to teach them a bunch of things. Being a role model, being someone with whom they build trust.
Also walking into their room after they've fallen asleep and watching two absolute gigawatt units expend their energy non-stop all day, now completely still (and silent, JFC), and just so peaceful. Their eyes just two lines, rather than two open balls all day. Adorable.
100% accurate.
Once they become teens, the joy is in seeing them realize how much they don't yet know. It happens rarely, so make sure to document it.
Nothing is more entertaining than being a parent.
There is also nothing to explain the disassociative feeling of having them kidsplain to you things that you taught them, or were actually there for. It's like, dude, you didn't know how to wipe your own bum until I taught you. I think I have a handle on 9/11, liberal vs. conservative politics, the Cold War, collapse of the Soviet Union, or how to drive/ shop for groceries/ pay taxes/ vote/feed my dog/apply a bandaid, or whatever thing you think just came into existence because you learned it.
lmao that's funny. Yeah this is already somewhat the case with my 3 and 4 year old. Even sometimes when they were 2. They'll tell me things I told them, repeatedly. Things they learn in preschool. Things that they make up on the spot that are completely untrue bullshit. And you'll just go "oh really, wow, how interesting". It's all about sharing with each other at this point lol. Everything doesn't have to be exactly right or true. I'm trying to remember that because my oldest is a bit of a know-it-all. Trying to prevent further damage to him being a little annoying prick with that behavior. ๐ Especially towards the younger one.
I was out shopping for plants this morning when a little girl wanted to point out the spilled dirt and the hedges they had to me. It was adorable.
My girlfriend and her 5 year old will be moving in with me this summer, I'm so excited to see her learn and grow.
You'll be a great addition to her life, I'm sure. ๐
I agree completely with the one exception being the current aging generation that is so completely brainwashed by Murdock et al, that think the working class are the badies, among other misconceptions...
I went through Army training where they intentionally deprive you of sleep for 9 weeks, and I had still never been as tired as I was the first 6 months of parenthood. I didn't know that you can get that tired and still be alive.
I know, holy shit. And I've been a bad grown up and staying up sometimes until 3 am playing games, and the next day I'll sleep at like 7:30 pm.
I have a friend with kids. I'm also an aunt. I think it's absolutely fantastic when people can be parents, but I also don't at all understand how anyone is capable of doing that shit. I'm more than capable of briefly watching and playing with kids for several hours at a time, but not caring for them 24/7 forever.
It's especially wild to me when parents basically explain to me that they are constantly legitimately going through extreme suffering in what you describe in your first paragraph.
But then they tell me how literally suffering 24/7 is somehow all worth it to them and it makes even less sense. I'm guessing there's some sort of hormonal thing going on to trick the brain into giving periodic happiness episodes in the middle of what sometimes seems to be flat out torture.
๐ Sounds very accurate to a normal parental experience indeed.
I don't know if it's necessarily hormonal. I mean... Everything brain related is, perhaps. I don't know about such things. But it's mostly for me about how beautiful it is to have such a purely innocent being put their full trust in you and love you unconditionally (whether by instinct or not). You get to have an extremely tight emotional bond with someone who is completely dependent on you, and that really sharpens your morals. It grows you the fk up. You start having a lot more empathy, even if you thought you had a lot of it before.
It just changes you, completely. Like, I've explained it now, in some pretty well-chosen few words, but there's still this explanatory gap here that will never be bridged by words, only through experience. It's... hard to explain. ๐
You even feel a little conned, sometimes. Always tired, annoyed, want to be alone, stuff like that. Then when the kids are away for a day or more, "I miss them". Like what the actual F. ๐คก Am I infested with brain parasites or am I a parent?
And those people in comments that are always shitting on parents? Wait until you see what they look like and how they live. Often the most outrageous comments are made by the most outrageous people.
What do you mean, like finish work then go straight to playing games? I know parents who manage that (somehow!)
I can't even conceive of the lack of sleep. Like I'll miss out on a few hours and feel like death, but staying up an entire night? And then having to drive, with a sick kid in the car?
But I mean ultimately I don't want kids of my own, so I don't have that internal ember to stoke my motivation. But man, parents must really want it to go through all that I see them doing.
Anyway hope things are going alright for you. One of the nice things is that it can (generally) get easier over time, and then eventually you have a new adult family member that you helped make :)