- "Grandpa, did you fight in WW3?"
- "No, they wouldn't let me enlist because I masturbated way too much. Like an immediately disqualifying amount."
Grandpa, do you mind? It's hard to talk to you when you do that in front of me.
You kids today are soft, back in my day there was this big war & I could only use one hand because I needed the other to fight people that wanted to evacuate me.
Or that one time I had to hide in the attic & do it very quietly.
Or that time I had to do it with a super bright light in my face because there was something called "an interrogation" at the camp.
How exactly does masturbating prevent you from military service?
It makes you go blind.
And your hands get all hairy
It makes your hand pregnant
Perrganent? Preganté?
Gregnant
Oh, and your rifle gets all slippery!
This is just a poor translation. It's a colloquialism to say you're jacking off when you're lazy and doing nothing. In fact, it's the same colloquialism in English. We literally say the exactly same thing when we call someone useless. What's really interesting in my opinion is you already know this. Yet because it's from a translation and you know that, your brain didn't think about the colloquialisms. It's kind of crazy how our brains work.
I'm aware of the colloquialism but I also thought that this is something Chinese party officials might plausibly say. You know, something something Western decadence.
That's boring tho lets go with the masturbation jokes
When the mortar tube is clogged with cum...
And that's how you learned the company Fleshlight has a hole in the back.
Post-nut clarity makes you realize what a bad idea joining the military would be.
WW3 is gonna be a 5v5 on de_dust2
Heeeeey. There might be a role for me after all.
I want it in Source at 800x600 on my end. CRT please.
Plot twist, I binge ate to become fat to avoid conscription.
Weird thing is, South Korean military recruitors are looking for me for some reason, maybe I'm still not fat enough?
I'm a disabled veteran and still get calls from recruiters. They are basically salesmen doing cold calls
You just have to get fat enough that they can see how fat you are, on the news.
not gonna lie it would be awesome if wars were actually conducted by gaming
The rampant cheating would make for some... Interesting streams.
Imagine the Chinese taking the Alamo with noclipping special forces wiping out 20,000 men as they sit in a digital forest around a thousand bright but cold campfires talking about Christian values, the merits of racism, and which anime girl is best.
You say this while there is currently a bitter war being fought with drones controlled with X-box controllers with VR goggles. The next wars will be conducted via gaming.
(I mean, besides all the civilians who might get between our murderbots.)
Wait I have to stop touching myself in order to successed in the fitness test?
Just put them on a 2000 calory deficit diet during basic training, and double its duration.
That'll get rid of 80 pounds of excess fat, plus they won't have the strength to masturbate.
Sure, half of them will become casualties before they see action, but they can still pilot drones, do the funny or make coffee, while you can feed the other half into the front line grinder.
We did it! Capitalism saved the planet from WWIII!
Now we just tidy up a bit...
Sitting up? Check out these gym rats...
What on earth is going on with that helicopter?
It made the mistake of being AI generated.
She put the burger on the gd floor like damn bich you know we got plates right?
TIL wanking habits fit into recruitment parameters.
I did my part by being born with a sensory disability. Mind you I’m also too mentally ill to enlist…
You know that movie with Bruce Willis named Surrogates? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrogates The Scene where they visit the Military.
This is how WW3 will happen, i figure. Warfare from the comfort of your home, ready to jump into o a new robot Body once downed. War being nothing more than a Battle of attrition and technical Ressources.
"The enemy cannot push a button, if you disable his hand!"
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