OTTAWA - After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government's allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be "I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave."

“I realize that my popularity has been declining in the polls recently,” explained the prime minister, wearing a hat depicting Peterson’s crying face and the words “Bye, Bitch,” on it, “but I think we can all appreciate that it was my government and my policies that triggered Jordan enough that he had to run away to a country that is kinder to suspected Russian assets.”