Gummi bears.

Achievable desire? To finally be in a stable place in my life so I can be together with the people I love, and finally have friends again. Might be bisexual, and my wife is totally open to a polyamorous relationship for me to figure that out, so tbh finding that out and maybe gaining a long term boyfriend is also high on my list of desires.

Unachievable though? I want to miraculously recover from all my disabilities and health conditions so I can finally be normal. I want to stop relying on meds to keep me from turning into a batshit crazy nutcase every time I miss even a single dose. Or at least be able to take those meds every night without issue because of my damaged throat refusing to swallow nearly anything I put in my mouth except the most miniscule pills without choking and vomiting them back up. And I want to be able to operate my muscles like a normal person again, something which my meds have thoroughly fucked with, with nothing helping in the slightest. I straight up can't even move my legs if my cat's on top of them. He weighs barely 10 lbs. Plus I get sick constantly even when nobody around me is and nobody knows why. Last month alone I got sick about 6 times. I was only feeling relatively ok for about 3 days total.

The good news, I guess, is every single one of my more achievable goals are well in sight. Just a few months ago they'd all be buried deep in with the unachievable ones, so things are improving little by little.

Things have certainly vastly improved since about 3 years ago, when I couldn't even will myself out of bed. So as whiney as I sound, I'm actually quite happy with where I am and where I'm going.

I'd like to know what to do next. I'm at a juncture in my career - my current gig is dragging me down, and I think I kinda maneuvered myself into a disadvantageous position.

Since forever, I've been a developer, sometimes leading small teams, sometimes working in committees on data interchange formats for the industry sector. Two years ago, I had the opportunity for a position as enterprise architect in a large corporation. Truth is, I still just have theoretical knowledge of what I'm supposed to be doing and feel like I'm floundering pretty bad. And corporate life is sucking out the joy in my life - so much time spent asking around what to do to adhere to process. But on the other hand, I am doing quite well financially.

Building things gives me joy - even if it's just doing a little optimization to shave off a few milliseconds off a database request. Sitting in meetings and going over spreadsheets is not joyful. It's been so long since I've been in the zone editing code. Generally, it's been about 3 years since I've been coding. I've been considering going back, but I have no idea how to spin it in interviews - and my coding skills are dead.

Eat something healthy.

Resign and start to do some wild freelancer work where almost every day is different

Just lay on my bed all day browsing the internet. I hope I could have such a life

Sleep, uninterrupted sleep.

Who are you, Lucifer? Whatever it is I want I'm not trading my soul for it, sorry.

For my first subproject to finish coming together. It's so exciting I often can't sit still and focus on it. It's a new kind of 3d modeling tool for a virtual world platform I am working on. It's the heart of the entire project and it has given off clear signs of life. It feels like holding the detonator that will blow a hole in reality and not exactly knowing what's on the other side. It has taken endless resolve to get here.

To finally propose to my girlfriend. Bad family circumstances have stopped that as of late, but I'd like to not worry anymore about it and just move on with my damn life...

To be calm. I'm in a constant state of panic. I don't know what to do because the pills aren't really working... I have awfully bad anxiety.

To tell my friend that I love her

To make something of myself. I had a decent paying job that I recently quit because I felt it was a waste of my time and skills. I'm passionate and I want to learn to grow.

To be better with my money. I have no idea why it's so hard for me to save.

To have a good manager and better support at work. It would make my job much more engaging and I'd be more productive too.

To get a job I want.

But, right right right now, my desire is that my computer doesn't get herpes after I finish downloading this thing