I spent most of my working life as a carer for the elderly. Most of the people I looked after had kids, but their kids didn't bother with them, visited them twice a year if they were lucky. Having kids is no guarantee of companionship in old age.
this post was submitted on 20 Mar 2025
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Thinking you own your children is a little dumb
This is a really powerful point to make. It's a total crapshoot if you end up 'doing it right' and raising family orientated children. Even if you do 'get it right,' things like life and personal autonomy means anything could happen and they move out one day and you never see them again.
Raising kids as an insurance policy against loneliness isn't the right approach, I think.
Yeah, you should also be a good parent for it to happen.
Being willing to have kids even though you don't want them is not a cure to being alone. Just put in the time to find a partner who also doesn't want kids. Making major commitments to try to please others out of fear is only going to breed resentment.
I spent a long time convinced I was going to end up alone. When I resolved to enjoy the connections I had for as long as they were enjoyable instead of trying to hold onto things past their time is when I found a long term partner. Neither of us had to compromise on our long term dreams or outlook so there is very little personal conflict or resentment between us that could break us up.
I still could end up alone and there's a decent chance of it but I'll deal with that when/if it happens.
I still could end up alone and there's a decent chance of it but I'll deal with that when/if it happens.
Why is that? Are you having troubles in your relationship?
No but people die.
Most people go trough several partners before sticking with what they have. The first, second or even third match likely won't be the last
I sometimes worry I'll die old and alone for not having kids. Then I realize..... The reason I don't want to have kids is I don't think they will actually have a future and that I probably won't be able to actually live long enough to get that old anyway. So is morbid and doomer pilled as that is, it at least takes away from the fear....
Not having children could give you enough room in your life to forge great and powerful connections, and grow a large family of loved ones that will all be around as you begin to age. Not all families are blood families, after all. Children are an incredibly energy and time sink - if you choose not to have them, make the most of the time you're saving.
That being said, children make you better, or at least give you the chance to be better. For all the self-doubt I carried around, fatherhood burned it out of me. There is no stronger motivator, I believe, than having a life depend on your own.
Can you form a family that does not comform to the Western European family structure as solution? For example, a person can live with their grandparents who can provide some childcare as they take paid jobs to cover the living expense of the family. A person could also live with their siblings to cope with the expensive housing cost in metropolitan cities.
Before my parents' divorce, the family in my house consisted of a mother, a father, two grandparents, an uncle, my three siblings, and me. This extended family structure allows my uncle to build an expensive video game collection in his room and adopt one of my brothers as his son in his romantic relationship with a woman who does not want the full burden of child rearing. Outsourcing some of the childcare, like cooking, to my grandparents allows my abusive father to spend more of his time in his corrupted activities in a Christian church organization while my mother provides the main source of financial income for the family.
Life wouldn't move forward if you let fear stops you. Instead of fearing, just learn parenting.
Gambling with the life of innocents is not what I'd describe as responsible
I see now the stark of contrast between civilizations. Whilst the developing world is hopeful and daring, the West is jaded and fearful. I understand that your material conditions and educations shape your thinking, but I absolutely do not support such absurd philosophy. Birthing a new life is giving them a chance to experience the world, how is it called gambling with innocent lives? If this is how Western communists think, then they need some serious self-reflection.
Life is more than just an on/off thing. There's your happyness, friends, etc. Having a kid knowing you might not be a good parent is gambling with fucking up their life. Not ending it.
"oh but it could turn out fine"
Yes and I could win the lottery tomorrow on my first try. You're not giving that kid great odds doing this.
If my parents thought like that, I wouldn't be here talking to you (my parents were very very poor). The comparison you made is poor/lame. You have absolutely no power over your chances of winning the lottery, but you have power over how you may teach your children. Your lack of knowledge can be fixed by discussing it with other parents (perhaps your own parents, they did raise a good person, wouldn't you agree?).
I don't know you well enough go know if you're a good person. But I like to think most people are kind. I'm sorry to hear about the situation you grew up in, and I'm glad to hear you're doing alright.
You definitely did not have the same chances as a kid from a rich family though. It's those chances a parent should consider. And the op of this threat is appears to have considered them insufficiently good to be acceptable for a kid.
That is subject to plenty of nuance, and individual opinion. But you definitely shouldn't just shoot and hope for the best. Make sure you have a decent chance first.