Ask Lemmy

Who said life is fair? Like that place you finally obtained after years of searching? Want to keep it? Probably need money to pay for it. Being bitter about it won't change that fact so you need to figure out how to accept it and move on to improving your quality of life. Get an education/learn a trade, get a hobby or 2, make friends along the way and get some therapy from a professional to work on your trauma.

Choosing to be miserable instead of facing reality and working with it will only make things worse for you. Your misery will fester and grow. People will sense it and either avoid you or try to take advantage of it. Your past will dictate your future. I don't think you want that so good luck.

No, it's not wrong. But you're not allowed to take truly replenishing time off in this capitalist system. It's not just unfair, it's unsustainable and it's on the way to collapsing. Hopefully we can create a better system in the rubble. Until then, don't let it break you.

You can enjoy yourself at any age. What you might be missing is the feeling of being fully cared for and therefore carefree.

I've never found a way to replicate that as an adult. If you find it, let me know

Even people who had great childhoods often spend "the other 8 hours" trying to be kids again.

You either gotta do it like the rest of us and find time for enjoyment between work and errand, or find a way to make money off your "adult childhood". Neither is easy, but you've been through a lot, so you're obviously capable of doing difficult things.

It might help if you schedule time for it. That way, you can say, "On Tuesday, I'm going to do these things I missed out on as a kid from 7 to 9pm". And then you play. Or whatever.

You need this, and everyone needs it, so don't feel bad about scheduling it. You're helping yourself heal.

Maybe you might want to try out a different perspective. Because weirdly, being an adult can give you the freedom of being more childlike.

Think of it this way...as a child, no matter what kind of home life you had, abusive or not, you had to go to school for much of the day. As an adult, the same thing applies. Except now you'll be at work instead of school. So realistically, that part is actually the same if that makes sense. The time each takes out of your day is roughly equivocal.

Ok. So then where does that take us? The time spent during work or school is similar. So now the real differences are going to come outside of work/school.

As a kid, what happened outside of school? Your life was hell. You didn't get to play and do kid things the way a normal kid does.

Aa an adult, what happens outside of work? Believe it or not, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

That's right.

Want ice cream for dinner? Fuck it, you're an an adult and can do what you want. Want to buy some toys and play with them? Fuck it, you're an adult and can do what you want. Want to climb a tree? Fuck it, you're an adult and can do what you want.

Use the now to live the childhood you didn't have. Difference is instead of spending your non play time at school, you'll just be at work instead, earning your own money to do whatever the fuck you want. :)

Best of luck.

Ok, it sounds like you haven't had the opportunity to process your childhood trauma, and yes, based on what you wrote it is a trauma.

I recommend going to therapy to help you process and sort out your thoughts.

You were robbed, robbed of your childhood, sadly, you can't change that, but you can change it so that you don't get robbed off of your adulthood as well.

I didn't enjoy being a kid at all, but being an adult I do like, don't mind working because they pay me.

"Everyone else got it" is a stretch.

It does sound like you are carrying a lot of trauma, I don't want to minimize that, but if you are able bodied, can see and hear and move and think, you are ahead of a lot of people. If you live in a developed nation, you are ahead of a lot of people. I don't think even a majority of kids get the idealized childhood you think they do.

If you have no kids or obligations - what I did was get a lot of roommates to get living cost low and yeah, did just work a minimal job and hang out for a few years before sort of getting more serious about work. Never did the career ladder thing but did get a good job and I can say with absolute honesty - it got better.

Pack up and/or get rid of all your stuff and go travel the world. Go discover new places, new people, new cultures. Learn new languages, new skills, new customs. That's probably the closest experience to being a child again as an adult.

I understand your thinking. OTOH, if you don't carry your own weight, you make someone else do it for you, and put them through the same hell you've been trying to escape. That's not fair, either.

If I were you, I would try to take some time off, travel the world on the cheap, and find my feet, maybe even make peace with myself.

Good luck!

You can have a job and still do the things you think you would have done as a child. It isn't like 1/3 of childhood days aren't taken up by school, not even counting homework.

I had so much more time as a young adult than I had in school. Except for summer break I guess.

Personal opinion here, I think the world is inherently unfair. Fairness is something we give to ourselves and each other, but the world itself only has its natural laws to follow.

If you can find some childhood happiness even as you grow older, you should enjoy it. It is a right we all have or are entitled to demand.

I'd say the typical childhood is a fantasy, not everyone is the same. There's plenty of suffering and neglect to go around and I'm sure you'll find plenty of friends here who have gone through similar things.

It's good to ramble and relieve the pent-up stress once in a while, but also to seek a way of resolving the issues to stop them from reoccurring.

Man, most of these replies are just the results of living in capitalism and the brainwashing it imposes.

"Work cause you have to... Unless you don't cause you're rich!"

If you can get by without a job, go for it.

Most people don’t want to work.

Freedom comes at a cost, what you want is for other people to shoulder the burden and take care of you and that's not an option beyond a certain age, and having someone do that for you also comes at a cost.

Your basic needs will be met either in the military or in prison, but that's not freedom.

You can get a job and pay for your basic needs on your own, which while also not freedom, is still better than the military or prison. :)

You can enroll in college and have food/shelter taken care of, but if you don't have a job to pay for it, you'll bury yourself in debt, paying for your freedom now, with debt chains later.

i come from a similar place, and while I've been on my own for 10 years now, the crushing grief of my lost childhood has only intensified. now, the whole country i live in is trying to force me back into the same life i struggled SO HARD to escape

I'm also severely depressed and have a painful disability that i have to work through at a manual labor job. all i want, all i need, is rest. but i will probably die working, and so i grieve for my past as well as my future.

sometimes it feels like i will never truly live, and that's incredibly painful to deal with. dont listen to people telling you to stop being bitter, i know it isnt like that at all.

try to find an understanding community, as well as a trauma-informed (very important) therapist. you may never get rid of the trauma, but hopefully find ways to cope.

You got a rough start mate and I'm really sorry you didn't get the loving childhood you deserved. You should never have suffered this, and you're starting on the back foot but held to the standards everyone else is. It's unfair, and it's ok to feel that.

I never got a childhood either, so I claim it now. Things like cuddly toys, fun snacks give it to me now. I also get parented in !dadforaminute@lemmy.world and in other ways, that helps.

Nobody is judging you anymore. You’re free to live how you want to. Most people struggle to find a balance between working and life. So you’re not alone there.

I met this traveling nurse who spends fall, winter and spring working, and then spends summer traveling and hiking in the mountains. I met a teacher who does the same. There are many seasonal workers who put in a lot of work in a burst and then take time to themselves - firefighters, wine grape harvest, ski lift/resort.

Keep an open mind, and live simply. Keep few possessions which add a lot of value to your life. Think of what you want to do, then figure out how to get there. At least then if you are working a boring job, it is moving you toward your own goal.

You're not rambling about nothing, and yes, you got dealt shit cards by the croupier of life. Lots of people have it easier in many regards. I can understand your frustration and resistance. You got robbed of your childhood and that sucks.

However, life is unfair and life is relentless and that ain't changing anytime soon. If you don't find a job/income source within a reasonable time frame, you'll be back in a different kind of hell.

I understand you are grieving for your childhood, but sometimes your material situation becomes more urgent than your feelings. How urgent finding a job is depends on your personal finances and security nets available.

I suggest getting a job for your own good. Life is unfair but all we can do is adapt and look out for ourselves and those we care about.

If you play your cards right career-wise, you might be able to dedicate some time to self discovery now or more later on, when you have financial stability.

Good luck to you, friend.

Money is unavoidable but you don't have to do a typical career. Maybe you could try one of those English teaching jobs overseas, or be a nomad doing odd jobs here and there and traveling around. Lots of paths out there, and some might be more care free than a typical 9-5.

Have you considered becoming a student? You might be able to get financial aid. It might not cover 100%, but you'd get to be around young people also discovering themselves.

You definitely didn't deserve what you got. I hope you can find a path that feels at least a little more like what you want to be doing.

sure you can do that but how will you shelter and feed yourself?

i think you can still be a child. now that you're free, you can actually do whatever you want.

but also consider that lost time is already lost and if you want to still be a child, adult you also wants to keep moving forward.

...or not, again, up to you.

One way to measure success as an adult can be how much spare money you have and how much spare time your job gives you. In the last few years I have finally gotten into a position where I can afford to pursue some extra hobbies, buy the latest video game, and take the occasional vacation. I feel like I finally am at the place where I wanted to be as a child, but it's even cooler because I can drink and make my own decisions.

First let me say that I'm sincerely very sorry about what you went through as a kid. No one should have to.

But the answer is because living things require a constant energy input to be sustained, whether that energy comes from chasing mammoths down or from the groceries you buy with the salary from your office job. It's not fair, to anyone, ever, but you have the same choice everyone else has: accept that life isn't free and get on with it because it's better than the alternative, or.. the alternative. I'm going to offer some advice, but it's not the 'help me out today' kind, it's the 'stick this in the back of your head and let it steep for a while' kind.

So much of one's experience in life comes down to attitude. If that sounds stupid it's only because you don't have enough life experience to recognize that you get to decide what things mean to you. Whether this is an unfair burden that you shouldn't have to bear or a miraculous opportunity that shouldn't be wasted is entirely - and I do mean entirely - up to you. When someone tells you to 'cultivate a positive attitude' this is what they mean. Decide for yourself whether you're staying or going (and I recommend staying because it's the only option that will let you change your mind later) and, as the kids say, get busy doin' it. But if you're staying, you will really have a much better time of it if you let go of this sense that the world owes you anything, that life is unfair, or that you have been singled out for undue suffering. Take it from someone who has been down that path, it's a tough row to hoe, and you only make it worse for yourself by pushing people away with that anger. This isn't something that will happen overnight, but I promise that developing a positive attitude will make a difference.

If you want to speed the process along a bit, I recommend reading some existentialist philosophy, it can really help give you a sense of perspective. I particularly like Camus, the Myth of Sisyphus in particular was a real eye-opener for me. Most people think of existentialism as something scary to avoid, but honestly once I really started to understand it I found it a comfort.

And if you ever just need someone to talk to who's been where you are now, don't hesitate to DM me. I know people just say that, but I mean it sincerely.

Most people don't want to work - they just have different reasons for why.

Personally I'd take the stoic approach: if you can't change how things are so the best this is to accept it rather than resist.

I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me?

Because that's what everybody has to do. You don't get to get out of it just because you don't like your circumstances.

You either work your way through life or you leech off of others. Those are the options. There are kids who grew up in war zones, sleeping through air raids and watching those around them die. They still work. There are kids who were in and out of foster care, kids who watched their parents OD, kids who were SA'd every night, kids who slept on the street. Few people have had the ideal childhood you're describing. Those people still work. They get into therapy. They make something of their life.

Quit making excuses for your laziness. Get a job.