this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2025
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[–] alquicksilver@lemmy.world 54 points 2 days ago

DARVO. It's an abuse tactic: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

I'm a dv outreach worker and this is my area. DARVO is a really common tactic, and it can be really effective for them. Abusers LOVE to be seen as the victim, and in their head, they are. They have totally unrealistic expectations for their partners and the world, and think they're hard done by when these impossible expectations aren't met. They also don't believe a woman has any right to say no to them. A big flag for an abuser can be that they need an extraordinary need for pity.

[–] aramis87@fedia.io 33 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Every woman's had an experience like this. As quicksilver said, it's part of DARVO, specifically the Reverse Victim and Offender bit.

Personally, I call it Schrodinger's [Rapist / Rascist / Fascist / whatever]. They're sounding you out. If you push back, "It was just a joke, dude, can't you even take a joke?!" If you don't push back, then they feel free to reveal themselves more.

[–] alquicksilver@lemmy.world 18 points 2 days ago

Calling it "Schrodinger's [x]" is painfully accurate. It's just like A Narcissist's Prayer.

[–] SparkleBooty@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 day ago

Heavily overused term. It's simply abusiveness.

[–] N0t_5ure@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago

It sounds like reactive abuse, where someone provokes you with the goal of causing you to react, which is then often held up to show that you are "unhinged". It's a common tactic with narcissists.

[–] MTK@lemmy.world 9 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Internet name: niceguy

Official term: DARVO

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 6 points 2 days ago

Came to answer with DARVO.

Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.

A vital tool to keep in mind, just as a name to place on something you'll see daily around you.