The Onion

(Portland, OR) The White House is responding in confusion as Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has deployed the state’s National Guard to Portland in a move preempting the president’s order. Kotek says the guard was activated due to rumors that fascists, posing as US Military, were planning to invade the city, under orders of their fat rapist leader.

Kotek says she cannot identify the leader in question. “We know he is very old,” she said at a press conference Tuesday, “and very fat and confused a lot of the time. Some citizens are reporting he has been seen on tv at some golf events. If you have any information to help local authorities track this awful man down, please call the state police department.”

State guardsmen say they are pleased to be called up by the Governor, and will be on the look out for these fascists. “We only know they were supposed to be dressed as soldiers, and their leader is really, really fat, and confused a lot of the time,” said one guardsman who naturally asked not to be named. “We’re not permitted to say who we think this might be, but I understand he could be from Washington. I’m not sure which one, though, could be the state next door.”

The president had no comment if he knew the identity of the fat rapist fascist Governor Kotek described.