ever since the US election last november i have been on a downward spiral (lol nine inch nails) that has not let up. in fact, it has gotten so bad that i am going in-patient at my local hospital on Monday to be cleared for entry into a 90-day residential program for behavioral health.
i have hit rock bottom, Lemmy. i thought i had already. i was certain my lowest points were behind me. nah. i unintentionally hurt the most important person in my life; made him wail, made him panic, made him collapse and suffer in agony so vocally and visibly it literally changed the chemistry in my brain. (i can't explain the full breadth of my actions that led to his response but he was not overreacting)
knowing that i broke my lover's heart, my partner of 13 years, it shattered me. we have had several hardships because of my long term neurodivergent issues, major depressive disorder, and anxiety, but nothing ever felt that world ending: that life shattering. we were splitting for sure, i was moving out.. until i realized there was another path we hadn't tried before: a residential stay.
he agreed. why? ...how? i don't deserve this. i don't fucking deserve his understanding and support. and i told him as much. he vehemently disagrees, knowing i'm ill and suffering from the politics of our country. i say it doesn't matter, at a certain point it isn't relevant and love alone isn't enough. he assured me he's not done, he's not willing to leave me like this when we can keep trying.
god dammit. god fucking dammit why did he find me? i should've never been in a relationship, i knew i was sick, i knew i was damaged. i am hurting him because i am a bad person. i am a bad, bad person deep down. only a bad person would do this.
at least.. that's how i feel. and i am trying so hard to tell myself that isn't true. i am more than the sum of my illnesses. in fact, i am not my illnesses; i oppose the behavior it influences in me and want it controlled. i am a victim of my own brain. this is happening to me as well and i need successful lifelong help.
i lost my job recently because of impulse issues and lack of proper moral judgement and assessment of risk, the FBI came to visit me because i lose the ability to control myself when ranting about fascism.. shit i would be smarter about, for fucks sake. it's getting bad if i am losing my filter and causing me to be sought out by the goddamn state lol.
so, away i go.. on Monday i start. i am terrified. what if i fail? what if i really am just a useless, broken, immorally bankrupt human being? what if i can't fix my impulsivity and my lack of care about my actions because i can't see the consequences clearly? this is who i am right now, can it really be changed, can it really be altered? i am dedicated and willing to do whatever they ask of me. i am not worried about my own commitment level, i just.. this can't be for nothing. please. i need this to help me. please, please, please. i will lose everything.