General rules:
Exceptions may be made at the discretion of the mods.
Water people. Just fucking wash your ass, it's hygienic and it feels nice too. Use a bidet, or just sit on the fucking bathroom sink (provided it's installed on the floor, and not the wall). It's amazing how poor ass hygine is for a nation that keeps going on about "eating ass".
just sit on the fucking bathroom sink
Well now everyone at work is looking at me funny.
They said "bathroom" not "break room".
..., and it feels nice too.
The nation fears that it might feel nice.
OP didn't mention the AGONIZING itch you get from the skin rubbing. Make sure to use some powder or some shit. Also it grows back in a week and takes so much time.
Just get a bidet.
Trick is to NOT trim it down to perfect clean shaven. Leave some small tiny little hairs. It won't itch. Been doing that exact thing myself but I'm not willing to prove it.
YMMV if your crack hair is harder than mine.
And if you work out, the sweat just makes it all slidey back there ++ungood.
sure to use some powder or some shit
For the love of god, if your skin is irritated, do not use shit to try and fix it.
/s
On the other hand, your ass has no secrets now. Every fart is an announcement. You took the muffler away.
Wait till he finds out what it feels like growing back in
Dude my superpower is that diarrhea comes out as filtered drinking water.
How can I delete someone else's post?
First person I ever followed here
Nevermind I don't know how to follow peolle
Nikls: “Stop, you fiend!” Spez: “you’ll never stop me!” Nikls: -unzips, bends over…. Spez: O_O
To any Americans who are bidet curious or even enthusiasts, I'd highly recommend this wand style bidet: https://rinseworks.com/shop/aquaus-360-hand-held-bidet-sprayer-for-toilet/
Personally, I find fancy features, like heat, to be superfluous. Seats or seat-mounted bidets are inevitably a pain in the ass to clean. This wand has a nice long hose. Not only can it clean your ass, but it can also help you to clean your bathroom. It should last a lifetime. And, of course, installation is a breeze not requiring electricity. If you are afraid of the cold, rest assured you will adapt. It will zap you awake.
If you are afraid of the cold
I'm glad you mentioned this is for Americans because here in Canada calling the winter water "cold" is like saying the sun is "hot". I can handle the cold water on my skin but shooting it directly at my butthole is not happening.
pain in the ass
You’re holding it wrong.
The heated seats are really useful during the winter, though. And warm/hot water can often be better at "rinsing" solid material than cold water. I've noticed that it takes longer to feel fully clean with a non-electric bidet than an electric one. It's like trying to rinse dishes with cold water vs rinsing with scalding hot water. One will get the job done much faster.
I did this once
The feeling of sweaty aka slippery butt cheeks in summer while walking to class and worst of all climbing stairs was too much. And let's not forget that farts have a to physically separate your cheeks to escape. Too much weird feeling.
Never again
Now I let my butthole grow some hair but keep it trimmed low because I'm not a heathen
All fun and games until you try and let a sneaky one rip in public
Horror story:
Shaved mine in prep for my first colonoscopy. I know, they see some nasty shit, don't know why I cared. Took TWO bottles of the lemon flavored ass blaster juice.
Ended up holding my ass cheeks apart and screaming at my ex-wife, "Get the neighbor! GET THE NEIGHBOR!" Said neighbor was a nurse but I was in such agony I couldn't think of her name.
Halfway down my ass cheeks, and all the way down from there, my flesh looked sandpapered, sunburned. Pain doesn't make me cry, but my eyes were plenty blurry that night.
And I still had to shit more lemon juice. Try not to think on this story.
What the fuck is "lemon flavored ass blaster juice"??
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium_citrate
In solution with water it tastes somewhere between the worlds worst flattest sprite and a sweet lemon.
Edit: I'd marked Sodium Citrate, which is a similar compound but is used for different reasons. Sodium Citrate is an anti-coagulant. If you've ever donated blood plasma, its that weird sterile taste you get in the back of your neck when they feed the blood solids back in with saline. It is also used in nacho cheese.
Before a colonoscopy, you typically have to drink something called "prep" to clean out your system. For the better part of a day before the procedure, you drink nothing but this liquid that is meant to clean out your intestines, and it makes you shit your guts out until it's nothing but the clear liquid. It's usually lemon or pineapple flavored, and it tastes awful.
What is this person's diet like? I mean feces is supposed to be a somewhat solid log, not a splattery mess. I guess Cheetos and Mountain Dew three times a day does that?
Wait 2 days, till it starts growing back.
I tried shaving my asshole but he ran away and never came back.