The Onion

(Washington DC) As the House of Representatives remains closed to prevent release of the Epstein Files and the Senate is making no progress towards compromise, the White House has promised to shut down the Canadian government as well, if a spending bill is not passed in three days. In a tweet Wednesday, trump blamed both democrats and liberals for the shutdown of both governments.

The white house press office offered no explanation how this would occur; press secretary Kathleen Leavitt only stated that the president was expressing his concern about the American people, and was exploring every option to reopen the government. Contradicting this statement was president trump, who said he “had ways” to influence Canada, and that he would follow through on his promise to shut down their government as well, unless democrats acquiesced to republican demands.

The Canadian Government is independent of American control, and troops from Canada have actually burned the white house in previous conflicts. A government spokesperson for Canada said they have no response to the threats, only “a different kind of sorry defines the United States at this time.”

Americans are reacting with mixed emotions to the new consequences proposed by the president. Leo Sturbgetter, a federal cow detangler in Eastern Minnesota, said, “I trust the president to end this shutdown soon and get us paid, and if Canadians have to suffer with us, that’s the price for being America’s hat.”