Dunk it in water, squeeze it into a tight ball, and take bites like it's an apple.

A plate

Use a plate to catch any crumbs.

If you don't want flakes, don't eat a flaky pastry.

Eat them outside walking to work.

That's the neat part, you don't

All in one bite.

Toss the croissant up in the air, lean my head back, and eat it one big chomp

...a plate?

Eat it in one bite

It’s supposed to be flaky, stop complaining

Soak them in Nutella

The article’s suggestion of “tear and spread” is what I was going to suggest.

I stick a vacuum hose up my shirt and zip tie it around my neck so that it catches any loose flakes so that I may eat them later.

I like to peel each layer off and eat them one at a time while I work

I don't 👍

This article sounds like the result of assigning a middle school student to write an instructional essay with a required word length. The middle school student asked chat GPT for help.

You have to create a vacuuming of air with every bite. Just do strong, deep inhales while biting, ripping, and tearing, prior to the chewing. The crumbs will all be sucked inward towards your mouth and lungs, and you won't have any problems

I avoid moving around while eating it, eat it over a plate/napkin, and then brush the flakes off into the trash. Eating them when they're warm/moist also helps.

Enjoy your pastry

Simply get bad croissants that aren't flaky and leave crumbs everywhere. Like what you'd get from a gas station or rest stop vending machine.

I flatten them on the plate with my hand and then put the jelly on top of it, similar to bread/sandwich.

Way easier to eat, but don't tell the French :)

Eat it all in one bite.

I put it in a brown paper lunch baggie and eat it from the top so the bag catches the crumbs… for the most part!

I bite into the widest part of the middle first, then I peel the layers apart individually and eat them with a fork and knife.

Why would you want to? The more crumbs that drop everywhere, the better it tastes! Just like eating hot wings is best when the sauce gets all over your entire face. If you can get some sauce on your forehead then that's a damned fine wing meal!

I always eat messy things by leaning over my plate, or carefully taking bites above a bag or whatever. I like being fastidious.

Lots of people have already tried to answer this but I've not seen the correct answer: in bed

It's not possible. That's like trying to eat a powdered donut and not get the sugar everywhere.