Night shifts are messing my sleep habits

My life honestly has no meaning

Like, it's gone, in both legal app and "the other one" I got...

If you read my previous post on other place I asked about dating and most responses sounded like it was nice. Yes, I'm aware that relationships are not only good times (I've seen my mother being tired of her partner and scared of my father) but when you have literally NOTHING in your life you can't help to idolising the things you never had...

I don't think that's weird, but it's definitely sad

Time ago I asked about what sex feels like... Now I want to know the more sentimental part what is like... Curious

I like fog, is depressing

I remember when I used to like these weather conditions as a kid...

For me is like my body can't decide, sometimes I can, sometimes I wake up exhausted.

I sometimes click in some random clip of current anime someone uploaded on YouTube, like I dunno attack on titan or chainsaw dude, but that's it. They look cool but despite having the time to watch it I just don't feel compelled to watch the whole show.

I guess it's like the Netflix virus, that you keep scrolling and picking what you wanna watch and at the end you don't watch anything and go back to sleep. Plus, maybe it's the depression, but I don't like when things end most of the time. I feel empty, it doesn't happen with movies but with anime happens, especially when the main character is a dude. The usual end is that he beats the bad guy (or triumphs in life if the show isn't about punching people) gets the hot anime girl, and ends... I guess since I can't get any of that irl it hits me hard.

YouTube? Deleted comment. Twitter? Banned, Reddit? Shadow banned and blocked Xbox live? You get kicked out online mode despite you are PAYING for it. You can't express your anger or hate towards other people without some kind of freedom.

No I'm not saying that RACISM or serious accusations should be allowed, but a simple "fuck u" gets you eliminated. Is depressing.

Please just read without judging me, I'm up to conversation as long as you don't tell "you can do it!" Or "man up bitch" I don't need that type of dialogue, I've been beaten enough, even by my own family.

35 M.

My depression and loneliness had fucked me over enough last year and since I quit my abusive job (underpaid, boss screaming at job, no benefits, hated everyone, shit conditions) things aren't getting better. The fact I can't get a job even at a fast food sucks (some of you Americans complain about having that job, you're LUCKY to have that)... Job apps don't work or always ask for experience, I can't even get an Amazon warehouse job (I've seen people that can't even talk the language here well getting that job, so I guess I'm cursed). Nobody calls and no, you can't just knock random doors of warehouses expecting to give you a job, even worse if you're an immigrant.

My mother has enough of me living with them and I can't blame her I'm old ass virgin dude that will never get married but seems that everything is against me and I'll never move out. The world decided to just fuck me over again and again. The fact I can't get a job is killing me. I don't have money for studies and this country doesn't offer trade jobs education for people like me I've never been a good student anyways, I need the money NOW. Shit, I controlled this shitty town web page and hasn't been updated in a year. The job help is a joke for anyone like me. The only reason I'm not sleeping under a bridge is because of my mother.

Sometimes I google painless ways to die.

My father sometimes calls me saying I should go back to him in our home country, leave Europe, but for what? He lives in a shitty place, he's unemployed too and barely eats despite being 10x more of a man that i am... That would be a death sentence for someone like me. I have no escape anywhere.

Sorry if this post bothers you in any way, but I needed this. I have zero human contact with anyone besides my family.