this post was submitted on 25 May 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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[–] eldoom@lemmy.ml 14 points 1 day ago (10 children)

I can now shoot fresh spaghetti from my fingertips. Each fingertip shoots a continuous spaghetti noodle at an alarming rate with a range of about 4 feet. My thumbs will shoot a delicious meat sauce at a comparable rate and range.

[–] NotASharkInAManSuit@lemmy.world 1 points 8 hours ago

You don’t like pasta or pasta sauce, it repulses you.

[–] beejboytyson@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago

Even though it's delicious, it's violently spicy. Just like wolverine you feel every thing.

[–] TheOakTree@lemm.ee 1 points 1 day ago

You must drink copious amounts of water to convert into spaghetti and meat (but immunity to water intoxication).

It takes something like 1800 gallons of water to produce 1 pound of beef... but I feel like that's too extreme for a side-effect. Anyone care to suggest a good ratio?

[–] musubibreakfast@lemm.ee 2 points 1 day ago

You are locked in a cellar below the Vatican. Your powers only work after you drink a gallon of holy water.

[–] Aksamit@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 day ago

You are now patented and contractually obliged to end world hunger and provide clean energy for the rest of your existence, while all world governments try to clone you.

If you are successfully cloned, your consciousness is discovered to be a biproduct of your unique physiology and you are no longer treated as a human or individual. Billions of yous are produced and now classed as biological machines, used to power and feed the earth and all off world ships and collonies.

Yous have now lived for countless billenia, been traded as a commodity across the galaxies and been used to liberate and control countless civilisations. Your originating species evolved past you eons ago now and you haven't seen a posthuman since the stars began to dim, but the yous will never be allowed to end or die because the yous are the most valuable beings in the universe.

Yous are an owned property, not to be considered an individual or a person. Yous make spaghetti, that is your purpose.

[–] Thebular@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

While you can shoot spaghetti and meat sauce out of your fingers, it is incredibly painful. Each noodle bores a new hole through your finger tips every time you do this, and your pasta therefore doesn't pass health inspection

[–] comrade19@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago

That is disgusting but so well written

The spaghetti accelerates

[–] Katana314@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

Downside: It’s not gluten-free.

[–] XannyDevito@lemmy.dbzer0.com 0 points 1 day ago

Only Strega Nona can stop the spaghetti