Asklemmy

Shaka, when the walls fell

My wife knows that if I say "Honey, I need to do that thing with my butt" she knows I have to poop, with everyone else listening blissfully unaware.

When my wife can't remember someone's name, she'll grab my hand and squeeze it with two quick squeezes "Help. Me.".

That's my cue to either work their name into a comment/question or, if I don't know them, introduce myself followed by a "And you are..?". Works pretty well all of the time.

Of course, being together so long, and loving to fuck with each other's heads when we can, sometimes I'll just stand there and give them my best Aussie "owzitgoin?", and watch my wife squirm. That's usually when the nails dig into my hand, hoping to draw blood.

Worth it.

If we are together one of us will use the phrase "Is there Lemon in this?" And hold up our drink which is code for get me out if this conversation/situation.

If we aren't in the same room. We pull out our phone and text Save Me. Then the other person comes and finds you to say that So and So needs them immediately. Yadda, yadda.

Both my wife and my friends know this one.

If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, talking about Bud Light Lime, or requesting a Bud Light Lime, that means I’m likely being held against my will. Come back with the police.

“Do we have any pineapple at home?” is our safe word for social situations when one of us needs a reason to leave a situation or change the conversation because they’re uncomfortable. I detest pineapple.

My spouse and I lived in a bunch of countries over the years. We speak Quebec French, English, and Spanish, as well as a smattering of Chinese, Bulgarian, Korean, and a few odds and ends here and there.

We basically speak whatever we think people around us won't understand. Very colloquial Quebec French in non-French-speaking countries, Chinese around white people, Bulgarian around non-white people, or even a cryptic mix of everything when we're not completely sure.

We figure anyone who understands is probably someone we want to know... Hasn't happened very often, but it does happen. So far we weren't saying anything overly embarrassing when we got caught, but we sure as hell have no filter between us because of this!

The last time we were in Paris my wife and I came down with a stomach bug that gave us explosive diarrhea. Now, rather than say we have diarrhea and need to rush home we say we're "feeling rather Parisian".

Sign Language works pretty well.

We picked it up when my daughter was younger and we just kept going. Now we use it to speak to each other from across the room during loud events.

Ha! Our trick is that we're never with company. We are very boring homebodies.

"Paying bills" == having sex

If I tell my partner that something drains the color out of a room, she knows that whomever I'm talking to is a bigot/phobe and we leave. More often than not though, she'll ask me who it is and tell them off.

Instead of spelling it out or code, my wife and I will use increasingly obscure synonyms to hide our conversations from the kids.

They figured out "frozen confection" meant ice cream, so I need a new one.

None. My wife doesn't know about tact, or the polite white lie or anything like that. She doesn't have time for that bullshit. It's one of her endearing qualities.

Movie quotes. It's amazing how many questioning looks we get from other people when quoting movies to each other.

Pig Latin. Kids haven’t figured it out yet. One can spell so that went out the window.

Next stop is probably Morse code.

During the pandemic, my wife and I became more expressive with our eyes, because of our masks.

If I notice her going neutral face with her eyes, I know she's about to get upset. Where if my eyebrows pretty clearly tell my mood to her.

Married 30 years. Eyebrow position and, "eh?"

"Eh."

And we are pretty much on the same page.

Nice try.

Any fizzy lemon & lime drink is now Sauvignon.

This stems from a meal nearly 20 years ago where she asked for "Sprite or 7-Up" and was given a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc by a slightly hard of hearing waitress.

A “look” is usually enough to let each other know something is up.
We haven’t really figured out how to communicate what that “something” is though and always end up more confused than informed.

Korean

Sometimes Irish.

Around the kids, when they were young, we used French for those things we didn't want them to know about. She's fluent and I don't really speak it at all, but took it back in High School and remembered enough vocabulary to make it work.

Today, both our boys have taken years of Spanish and they speak in Spanish for those things that they don't want us to know. LOL

Around other adults, my wife and I have a system of looks that we give each other. We can have an entire conversation just by giving each other looks.

Pig-Latin but very fast. Decades of practice.

Ready to go home?

Steve is just a jackoff today. Right?

Yep. 😘 fuck him. Let's go home.