this post was submitted on 26 Sep 2023

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Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended (www.theonion.com)

submitted 2 years ago by nkat2112@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

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[–] SmoothLiquidation@lemmy.world 210 points 2 years ago (3 children)

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

[–] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 38 points 2 years ago

"This isn't trashy enough to be a story about her."

gets to end

"There we go."

[–] b_crussin@programming.dev 23 points 2 years ago

For real. That did it for me 😂

[–] TheJims@lemmy.world 12 points 2 years ago (3 children)

Finishing on her tits costs extra

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[–] Steveanonymous@lemmy.world 93 points 2 years ago (7 children)

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

[–] Master@lemm.ee 56 points 2 years ago (5 children)

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions...

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[–] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 12 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I'm just upset I don't live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

[–] Fuzzy_Dunlop@lemm.ee 10 points 2 years ago (1 children)

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

[–] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 15 points 2 years ago

Meh, well I'll take what I can get.

[–] Hazdaz@lemmy.world 10 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Is this where the line starts?

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[–] x4740N@lemmy.world 91 points 2 years ago (4 children)

I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

[–] AFKBRBChocolate@lemmy.world 31 points 2 years ago

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

[–] _thrax@lemmy.world 27 points 2 years ago

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

[–] PatFussy@lemm.ee 15 points 2 years ago (1 children)

You got onioned

[–] Orbituary@lemmy.world 12 points 2 years ago

"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.

[–] asteriskeverything@lemmy.world 14 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (3 children)

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

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[–] nomecks@lemmy.world 49 points 2 years ago (4 children)

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

[–] Fuck_u_spez_@sh.itjust.works 32 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we've all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

[–] babatazyah@lemmy.world 17 points 2 years ago (2 children)

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

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[–] Vince@lemmy.world 46 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

[–] adhocfungus@midwest.social 16 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.

[–] quicksand@lemm.ee 10 points 2 years ago

Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance

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[–] Anticorp@lemmy.ml 32 points 2 years ago (1 children)

It's pretty crazy that I wasn't sure if this was The Onion at first.

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[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 28 points 2 years ago

I mean, the new job isn't working out; might as well go back to the old one.

[–] GreenMario@lemm.ee 24 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol

[–] expatriado@lemmy.world 18 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it

[–] philomory@lemm.ee 11 points 2 years ago (1 children)

The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.

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[–] TheFonz@lemmy.world 20 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Damn y'all is THIRSTY!

[–] tacosplease@lemmy.world 18 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Guilty as charged. She's both terrible, and terribly sexy. I'm ashamed but nonetheless here we are.

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[–] yoz@aussie.zone 19 points 2 years ago (5 children)

God she's hot! I am into dumb MILFs.

[–] x4740N@lemmy.world 17 points 2 years ago (3 children)

Don't stick your dick in crazy

[–] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 15 points 2 years ago (2 children)

No, you can. Just don't give crazy your real name and number

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[–] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 16 points 2 years ago (2 children)

She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.

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[–] PetDinosaurs@lemmy.world 11 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

She's not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren't such a shit heel, I wouldn't kick her out.

(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)

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[–] mrbonejangles@lemm.ee 18 points 2 years ago (1 children)

That’s up to $20 worth of value free!

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[–] vivavideri@lemmy.world 18 points 2 years ago (1 children)

You know, as someone without a penis, I just don't think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.

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[–] nicene@lemmy.one 15 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Has she accounted for optimal tip to tip efficiency?

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[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 15 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I'm just gonna lay that out there right now.

[–] jackpot@lemmy.ml 15 points 2 years ago (1 children)

hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i'll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i'll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we're not doing an audit

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 14 points 2 years ago (3 children)

Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don't think you've got what it takes to get me there, but you're welcome to try.

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[–] ThrowawayPermanente@sh.itjust.works 14 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Like my mother always said, if she's willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.

[–] chriscrutch@lemm.ee 12 points 2 years ago

That was my mother's favorite saying too. Rest in peace, Mom.

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[–] gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works 10 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Honestly, this is the best Onion headline I’ve seen in a while

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[–] CowsLookLikeMaps@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 years ago

You know it's bad when you come from /c/all and think this is real before realizing this is the Onion. A bit offensive, really.

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