No Stupid Questions

Tax advantages, makes managing your estate easier if one of you dies, social status, etc.

Jus an fyi, getting married costs basically nothing unless you have a wedding. It literally costs like $55 for the certificate at the court. You don't have to have a wedding that costs $50K. I know multiple people who literally just had some people over and got pizzas.

I know there are certain legal situations where an official marriage changes who has certain rights, but aren’t those same rights available if you make other legally-official decisions E.G. a will or trusts, etc?

This is not the case. Marriage gives you a lot of specific rights that can be covered by other legal documents but never together and marriage will override it. This is one of the main goals for giving gay marriage is all of the legal benefits of marriage which are expansive and complete. (This is of course in the USA this is not the case in other locations.)

There was a few legal pushes to separate these legal benefits from marriage into different legal rights that can be granted piecemeal. If you are intersted I would read The Other Significant Others which talks about people who prioritize friendships over marriage and how they interact with their "other significant other" which includes the legal discussions.

I talked about this a lot with my partner since we had been living together for a couple of years before we decided to get married.

Marriage, to us, is really just an external expression of the love that we share and the commitment we have already made to each other. The marriage itself is not the commitment, just a statement of it. There are lots of members in our families who disagree and say that marriage itself is the commitment, but then again they’re the same ones who have been divorced or who have extremely unhealthy relationships with their spouses.

Leaning on a piece of paper with your signature on it as the reason you’re staying with someone is idiotic; paper tears extremely easily. I choose to love my partner, not because a paper tells me that I chose that long ago, but because I wake up every day and make that decision.

Why get married? I dunno, if it doesn’t mean the same thing to you, then don’t, and I say that with no judgement at all. If you care more about the person than you do about the idea if marriage (like I do) and you gain nothing from a marriage, then don’t worry about it and just focus on the person, yourself, and the relationship you both share.

It took me a while to fully realise the implications of marriage. At first I thought it was about commitment and love etc. but legally you are literally taking two people and turning them into one. One, glued together, single being that can own things jointly (like a house for example).

In the eyes of the law you become one being that can do things like have a joint bank account. It's both really handy, but also a massive risk if things go south. It has some huge implications that not everyone realises too. For example, here in the UK (might be the same elsewhere but I'm not sure) you can own a house jointly BUT if one of you becomes legally incapacitated (like having a serious stroke or something) and needs state care the state will drain YOUR assets to pay for your care costs until you only have about £15k left! (last I checked. It might be more now).

That includes FORCING you to sell your house to pay for care costs! To avoid that you literally have to change your ownership status to something called "Tenants in Common" because then you both own 50% of the house and the state can't sell half a house so that protects you. They're aggressive about it too so if you switch to Tenants in Common straight after the incapacitating event, they can claim "deliberate deprivation" and revert you back to joint owners.

That's just one example of the minefield you need to be aware of. The good stuff is definitely financial though. Everything is suddenly half price for example because people tend to share 50/50 in all the costs. That's really helpful! :)

My wife and I met ages ago. We were friends for a while. Went on some dates, and eventually got together. I think we were dating about 8 years before getting married, we knew we were compatible. We didn’t rush anything.

I got married in Vegas, it was a very affordable wedding. That was almost 10 years ago.

If one of us dies, being married is a very easy way to make sure the other person inherits everything they need to survive.

I also see how impressed older people are when we say we are married, it seems so few people get married anymore.

There are so many good reasons to get married. Just be sure before jumping in that both are on the same page of life and goals, compatibility, compromise and understanding, etc.

Kind of a niche answer, honestly me and my wife of 20+ years might still be “living in sin” if it wasn’t for her decision to join the military, in order for me to move with her to her home base, we had to be married. It allowed me to visit Alaska which was a great adventure, though I am glad that she is out and we are living normal lives since.

Being married doesn't need to cost anything. You could not organizing any kind of célébration. You could stop at a dinner with the guests you can host at home. Or do a big party on a yacht with firework. It doesn't matter.

Getting married is officializing to society that the person you love is your family. Building a link separed from love that could fade and vary with time.

This link make also easier to share advantage that is usually reserve to one. Patrimoine, possession, inheritance, joined whatever. It give you the right to make décision in the name of your SO in hard times. If they had an accident, if they are missing or having a dire disease.

Many people fear prénuptial contract but it is the best way to build a marriage in a way to have all the advantage without the dependance. And realising that a relationship might end and that each should be fearly treated without having to fight for it doesn't equated douting a relationship. If you don't fear séparation, you can sign anything. Right ?

It can be very, very inexpensive for the costs of a court filing fee and a friend getting an online certification to officiate the wedding.

You get tax breaks while married, and a lot of things in life are easier when you're married and sharing the same living space, bills, etc. The world has been built to make it more economical and easier.

It's the getting divorced that's expensive and sucks. As long as you can avoid doing that, or have a prenup in place, you're good.

I’m generally curious why people get married beyond the “because I love them” when it costs so much money.

Getting married doesn't have to cost virtually anything. Really just the application fee to get a marriage license. The specific price will vary by state, and even by county (within the US, not sure how it works outside). Where I live, you can go to a courthouse and get married for $35.

If you plan to have kids, there are a lot of legal reasons why it's just a lot simpler to have kids. The same applies without them, to a lesser degree, but with kids it's just so much more of a hassle to not be married.

You're right that you can achieve most (maybe even all?) legal benefits of marriage through trusts, wills, etc. But that's a hell of a lot more work, and the lawyer fees, filing fees, and application fees are almost certainly going to cost you more than a cheap courthouse marriage. Not to mention the added work for yourself.

Beyond all that, though, the single biggest reason I wanted to get married and have a wedding with lots of friends and family was to stand up in front of everyone and profess my love for my (now) wife, let her do the same for me, then have big party with all our friends and family to celebrate it. There's nothing wrong with spending money to throw a party for something you want to celebrate.

You gain legal protections against being forced to testify against one another.

Just go do it at court on the cheap and throw a party.

Getting legally married is intended to protect the couple under certain circumstances as you suggest. You could attempt to perform the same with other legal means but it would be harder and costlier; like you deciding not buying a car but putting one together yourself.

The notion people get legally married out of love or worse that "a paper does not say I can love a person" seem to just have a 7 year old notion of what marriage is

I didn’t do the marriage thing because of love. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. I did it for the logistical stuff. Buying a house. Having a kid. Combining finances. Life insurance. Health insurance. While all of this could be possible without being married, it’s much easier to have a marriage certificate than to try to prove to everyone all the time that we’re partners. If my husband were in the hospital on life support, being next of kin would simplify so many things. My culture is designed in a way that traditional marriage shapes so many processes. There may be workarounds, but they’re not always simplified and most people may not know how to use them. That can take valuable time that you don’t always have.

Depending on state, healthcare applies to spouses but may not for long term partners. You can’t do that with a will or trust

You also get tax benefits

Getting married should only be expensive if you want it to be, although too many people fall for the peer pressure.

• For me I was overwhelmingly in love, ready to declare it to the world and willing to pay anything for the one big party of my life. That may not have entirely worked out, but was how I felt at the time
• My best friend just got married for reasonable cost. Still had a big party, but it was 40 people in a park, and we went to a restaurant after.
• Another friend got married inexpensively, maybe. Was it the $100 actual cost, or do you count the week in Vegas?

I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.

I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.

Marriage? Why, it's the greatest weapon in any noble's arsenal! Let me enlighten you on matters of state and power.

Marriage isn't about love; that's a peasant's fantasy. For those of us who bear the weight of ancient houses, marriage is statecraft of the highest order.

When I wed the second daughter of House Tyrell, I gained three castles along the Roseroad and secured my southern border against those Dornish vipers. Her father's bannermen now answer my call; five thousand spears when winter comes.

Marriage binds blood to blood. When your wife bears your children, you've created heirs that unite two powerful lineages. Should some upstart lord challenge either house, they face the combined might of both.

Consider the Lannisters and their gold. A prudent marriage there secures not just coin for your depleted coffers, but access to their formidable fleet. Or perhaps the Arryns, whose impregnable Eyrie would shield your lands from eastern invaders.

Politics shifts like quicksand, but marriage creates bonds that even the most treacherous lords hesitate to break. The realm notices when sacred vows are betrayed, and remembers.

So you ask what's the point? Power, lands, armies, legitimacy, and the future of your house. What greater purpose exists for those of us born to rule?

Now pass the wine. These matters of dynasty have made my throat dry.

A wedding can cost almost nothing. I found a very small local poor church and offered them $100 bucks to use the place on a Saturday. I baked a big cake, decorated it plain white. I overnight smoked a brisket, made a pan of Mac and cheese.

Got a friend to officiate, and told our friends and families a month in advance. We told everyone it was a potluck. We got $100 plain rings. My grandmother ended up buying some cool flowers for decorations. A friend played some music on the church speakers.

All in, it probably cost us $400 out of pocket, and we got enough cash from attendees to cover that and pay for us to take off work for the week to just hang out and move in together, staycation style. To be fair, I don't think either of us would have wanted a vacation style honeymoon, we did that kind of thing later. That first week was a lot of figuring out how to live together, so that took time.

So it's possible to have a big party with friends and family, but spend very little. Just have everyone bring some food and it'll work out.

Studies show that folks are less likely to have a happy long term marriage the more they spend on a wedding. It's a pretty clear correlation that expensive weddings typically make folks more unhappy and starts the relationship off with more financial stress. So, don't feel bad about being frugal! As long as you are both happy, it can be very inexpensive.

Marriage wasn’t important to me, either - I was with my now husband for many years before we tied the knot. I’d never been one for the traditional big wedding, wasn’t sure what difference it would make, etc.

What changed? My Mum died - and in all the times at hospital and then dealing with the funeral etc - I realised just how important being “next of kin” actually is. In so many ways. And while you can cover most of your bases with various legal documents - honestly there’s already a super easy way, that is very well understood all over the world, that achieves this.

And while I wasn’t expecting it to feel any different afterwards, it really did - for both of us. More certainty and just really solid.

Taxes. Health Insurance. Visa.

Getting married doesn't have to cost a lot of money, if a couple chooses to spend a lot on their wedding they're doing it for that sake, but it's not necessary.

I didn't get married for the love or the religious reasons, it's just way easier when you buy a house together. Now, if I die, all my stuff automatically belongs to my wife.

We got married on a Tuesday morning at the municipal building at 8:30 making it free. The only thing we spent money on was the rings.

The point is the legal benefits and publicly declaring your love and commitment, if you care about that.

You can spend as little as you want, if you only care about the legal status. But since you are probably asking about the usual big wedding - it's really just throwing a party to celebrate the act. It's not mandatory. Invite people you want to party with and celebrate life in a way you want.

What can suck about it is the peer pressure from parents and other people to do it the way they want, to do it "properly".

My marriage cost about 200 Euros and all of that went into Starfleet uniforms for the two of us. Our reason for getting married was financial, but we'd been engaged for 2 decades. Just hadn't gotten around to actually doing it, heh. Nothing's actually changed about our relationship since then because of course, why would it, we'd been together for 22 years before saying yes. But it's just a nice, grand gesture to proclaim to the world in uncertain terms that you intend to stay together.

Aight, you seem to want to ignore the legal benefits, so I won't mention that beyond saying that it is a hell of a lot easier to get married than to figure out all the paperwork needed to duplicate it, and not even have the exact same outcomes, just the majority. The tax thing, for example, you can't file jointly if you aren't married, no matter what else you set up (edit: in places where things like common law marriage aren't recognized)

The biggest thing is the experience, imo. The memory.

Now, me and my wife went to the JoP, with our kid and required witnesses (my best friend and his husband).

No fancy reception, no major party, just went home and said to my dad "we're back, no problems." He said congratulations, and went back to watching TV.

Total spent was about a hundred bucks, including gas. And the memories of it are wonderful, we cherish it all, and we're happy as hell we didn't do anything else.

Wedding ceremonies, however, are expensive once you go beyond that bare minimum. That's a cultural/sociological thing where the needs of the individual and the culture mesh into not only believing it necessary, but beneficial.

And, for the people that want it, it is beneficial. Ceremonies, rites, rituals, they serve a purpose beyond the legal or official status that comes with them. Weddings are as much about community as they are the couple. It's the union being both recognized and celebrated at the same time, even when it's a secular ceremony rather than religious.

Don't get me wrong, the money spent on empty bullshit surrounding weddings is absurd. But the actual wedding, where the community stands around the couple is incredibly powerful in terms of validation, even when it's the license that really matters legally. You can have ceremonies without the license; I performed several of them back before same sex marriage became legal. Those events were important, and doubly so because they had no legal standing.

I think that's what you're missing, that there's a massive difference between two people shacking up and marriage. When the people involved swear an oath, and/or exchange symbols of union it means something, even if there's no witnesses, not even someone to perform a ceremony. But as you move into witnesses and an officiant, it feels different because it is a public commitment. You can still divorce or whatever, but it happened, and you can never deny that. That moment, the vows, they exist in a way they don't if you swear only to each other.

Yeah, two people can be just as committed, and honor their commitment perfectly without anything else. But it feels different.

Now, again, I'd argue that once you start shelling out for crazy dresses and cake and niche receptions, you hit diminishing returns very quick. That's to satisfy other things, not the union itself. It may well make people happy, but it doesn't add anything to the underlying point of there being a ceremony in the first place. That of saying to the world "where once there were two, now there are one".

Not that anyone has to share the valuation, but it's what underlies the whole thing, and it has value

when it costs so much money.

What? Why should it? We married cheap, no rings or anything, it costs next to nothing.

I am not married to my husband for legal reasons. This means when he dies, his family could take everything and leave me with nothing as I'm "just the girlfriend". Now, a will can help, but I dread what would happen because they still could fight it and it sucks. Being legally married basically shuts that down entirely.

Socially it's an excuse to party with everyone you love.

Legally it's only worth it if you have kids, plan to migrate countries, or have shitty immediate family among other things. But if you're just in a long term relationship with your finances otherwise separated, no kids or end of life concerns, then it can be somewhat detrimental as you're just inviting the state in to meddle with your life.