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A baby seal walks into a club

I've heard this joke a million times by now and I still laugh.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute before saying, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot! It tells me someone has stolen our tent!"

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars."
POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive."
POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."
POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."
POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."
POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar?

They both got six months!

Once upon a time, a guy (we'll call him "Tom") decided he wanted a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted something low-maintenance. The pet store owner told him he had just the thing. He brought a little furry creature (about the size of a hamster) called a "rarie". Very low maintenance. Just needed fed once a day and his cage cleaned. The only warning the store owner gave was that it was imperative that Tom not overfeed it.

Happily, Tom made his purchase and took the creature home. When the next day rolled around and the time to feed it came, he sprinked the food in the rarie's cage. The rarie gobbled it down ravenously and looked up at Tom pleadingly.

Tom remembered the store owner's warning, but this rarie was clearly still hungry. Surely it couldn't hurt to feed him just a little more, could it?

So he fed the creature more. And then a little more. And still more. Before he realized it, the creature had eaten the whole container; a quantity that was supposed to have lasted a whole month. All in one sitting.

That's when it started. Right in front of Tom's eyes, the creature began growing at a perceptible rate. Soon it was the size of a guinuea pig. And then a small dog. Soon its sides pressed against the sides of the glass house it was in.

He quickly scooped the 40-lb rarie out of the cage. Realizing he'd soon have trouble getting it out the front door, he rushed outside with it. Now, too heavy for him to lift, and not knowing what to do with it, he called 911.

The dispatcher, though skeptical, dispatched police and firefighters while the rarie continued growing. The emergency workers sent for an 18-wheel flatbed truck with which to transport the now small-house-sized creature. They loaded the rarie on the truck bed with a crane and strapped it in (loosely to account for its continuing growth.)

They rushed to get the truck with the large creature onto the highway to take it somewhere with more room. But soon the rarie's girth spilled off the sides of the truck until the truck couldn't proceed.

Now stopped on the side of a high freeway bridge, the truck driver, the firefighters, the police, and Tom all discussed what to do with Tom's rapidly-growing problem. It was the fire chief who finally made the grim suggestion: perhaps it was time they nipped the problem in the bud before it got to the point that there was nothing they could do about it. Perhaps they should unstrap the rarie and turn the truck bed over to allow the rarie to fall from the high bridge. This would kill the rarie and stop its growth for sure. Perhaps it was the best of all of their bad options.

Just then, they heard a voice. "Um... excuse me." Tom was shocked to find the voice was that of the rarie itself! "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear." Taken aback, Tom stammered. "Um... I... well..."

The rarie leaned over the edge for a better look. "How far do you suppose that drop is?"

"Oh, uh, the drop from the edge of the bridge? Perhaps... 50 feet or so?" Tom's demeanor was sheepish.

The rarie responded. "Well, don't you think that... well isn't that... an awfully long way to tip a rarie?"

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "Did you know there's a steering wheel attached to your belt?" The pirate replies "Arr, it be driving me nuts!"

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrissed

What do you call two mental patients in bed together?

Two nuts in the sack.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

!it was stuck in the crack. It was stuck in the crack, coral!!<