you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
As a counselor, there's very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, "Why does it REALLY bother me so much?" No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there's more going on here than is being told.
As a counselor, of course YOU'LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it's totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn't necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
"Hey hubby, I'm not sure why, but when you say "Hey come here" to me, I feel really stressed as I'm walking to you not knowing whether it's a good 'come here' or a bad 'come here'. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn't feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like "hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this."?"
Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like "good or bad?"
I think I get it, and maybe I'm wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don't know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what's all about, and I don't want to go all the way there- I don't go. I just yell back at them, "what is it?" Until they tell me. If they don't, I don't go. If they insist, I can explain I'm either busy or don't feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don't know what is it about.
It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It's super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.
This is a good point. I try to set boundaries and unfortunately he’s committed to the “big reveal”. I know he’s one of those people who likes to “share” life. If he sees something fascinating, he wants me to experience the same fascination so it’s like a surprise. If it’s bad he wants me to feel the same horror he felt when he saw it. Warning me would negate the reveal. We have talked about it frequently and he doesn’t know why he does it, he understands how it could be stressful for me, but can’t seem to break his pattern.
At some point it becomes a question of whether or not he's willing to change his behavior to make you feel better. Some sort of empathy/kindness thing. Even if he didn't understand why it frustrates you, an empathetic person would change their behavior since it doesn't inconvenience them all too much to, for instance, send a picture of the thing via text messaging to you.
Another thing to consider: Is the happiness he gains from "sharing" life greater than the frustration you gain from walking all the way over to see whatever it is?
When I was growing up, my mom would do this all the time. My approach was mostly the same, she would shout, “Come here!” and I would request a reason. Most of the time she said she needed help and it would turn out to be nothing.
As I got older, I realized she was actually trying to connect with me because I was distancing myself. I don’t know if this is also what’s going on with OP and partner, and I won’t assume that’s the case. Sometimes people don’t know how to properly vocalize when they’re lonely and want to spend time with you.
This. Learn to set boundaries for something that stresses you out
"Hey, [husband], it really bothers me when you just say come here, because it makes me feel X and Y. Can you not do this anymore please? Instead, if you want to show me something say something like Z."
People are not mind readers. Talk to eachother.
You're not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we're always within earshot of each other.
I think it bothers you (and me) because it's akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn't value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.
Once in a while? Fine. Always? That's just being disrespectful.
I've simply resorted to "what is it?", "I'm busy right now" or "I'll come later", and that usually ends up with a "never mind", so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.
Because, unless it is an emergency, the "come here" person expects you to drop whatever you are doing and immediately switch your attention to what they are doing. If it is only "come here" then they provide, like you say, no information as to how important it is or if you even care about it. They may not intend it but it feels like a lack of respect that their time is more important than yours.
I'm going to guess that it doesn't occur to him that when someone demands your attention like that, you imagine the worst. It might help him to know that.
I'm like you in that regard. I got used to asking back "Is there a problem?" That seemed to help me feel less stress sooner.
Maybe the combination of these two things would help.
Good luck.
Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online
It's called nostupidquestions for a reason, my friend and judgment like yours prevents other people's growth, however late that maybe.
Imagine coming online to ask people if a thing is normal or not and getting shit on instead
So I'm your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.
On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I'm left there thinking "...why didn't you tell me to come look."
No, that's annoying. If he's a reasonable sort he'd be willing to recognize that too. However, fixing this kind of simple, ingrained-from-childhood habit is a pretty epic amount of effort, and I can all but guarantee he's mentally weighing whether the effort (probably weeks to months of it) will be overall less annoying than whatever the bad habit is costing you.
Also worthy of note that he's probably going to severely underestimate how much it actually does cost you, because it's not necessarily strictly logical, it's a conditioned response that built up over time.
Worth having a serious chat about imo.
This is a pet peeve of mine as well.
Long ago I noticed that on Star Trek, nobody wanted to tell the captain what was going on over the comms, they wanted the captain to stop what they were doing and go to a different part of the ship / station. I always eyerolled at the absurdity of the staff having so little respect for the captain’s time.
Then it started happening to me. I’m not a captain, my time isn’t that important, but have a little respect for what I’m currently engaged in? maybe?
Wanting your best friend to experience something like you did for the very first time is the sole reason he's doing this. Sure, it can be annoying, but at least it's coming from a place of love and a hope for a common connection. He's not trying to inconvenience you, though he may be.
Start putting limits. "No, I'm not going until you tell me what's about." Ignore any immediately subsequent invocation. Actions speak.
This. He can say "come here" all he likes. Doesn't mean OP gets up and goes. That's called "choice".
Even saying "Not now, busy!" occasionally puts OP back in control.
Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn't say anything
Because when someone says "COME HERE" they're making the statement that whatever you're doing is pointless shit that can be dropped immediately.
I didn't tolerate that with my parents, and I sure as shit wouldn't tolerate it with a spouse. If you can't be bothered to give me a reason to go there, don't fucking tell me to go there.
"Hey, check this shit out!" - Fine. Implies it's on my own time. "Could you come in here?" - Fine. A request can be denied. "Come here." - I'm not your fucking dog.
My gf used to do that and I found it super annoying. Seems obvious why - do I want to get up over and over again and walk into the other room? No. I might be busy doing something, also. Sometimes the things she’d want me to see were very trivial, too. So it can be inconsiderate. I explained I found it annoying and had to start saying “no”.
She also does a similar thing verbally, like she’ll say my name from 2-3 rooms away. I’ve asked her to rather than say my name and make me yell across the house, please just say whatever it is, or even better, SHE can get up and tell me. To make it more annoying, sometimes she says my name, i respond, then she doesn’t say anything. Again, it’s inconsiderate. I don’t want to be required to shout “YES??”. I’ve asked her repeatedly to please not do it and she still does this.
Since she won’t stop and I’ve told her countless times that I don’t like it, I started responding with a pissy or harsh tone of voice like “WHAT??”…. which has no effect at all. I’d rather not be unpleasant, though… but asking her to please be more considerate and listen to me has no effect at all.
I can relate. I'm a words person. If my wife tells me to come see something, I'm thinking "just fucking tell me." If I click on a news link, and it's a video instead of an article, it's the same thing: "just fucking tell me." But not everybody is a words person.
I fucking abhor how all information on the internet has become videos instead of text plus pictures. Very rarely does video add anything useful, and you can't easily search it or quote it. It's such a stupid way to share basic information 99% of the time.
OMG, I'll spend an hour looking for an article or a description of a fix for an issue, before I'll watch a 10 minute video on it! Mostly because that video has about 9 minutes of complete bullshit before answering my question.
I can see how this would be exhausting after a while. I get a "come here" from my wife every couple of days or so when my daughter is doing something cute, or something weird is happening outside. It's generally reserved (for the most part) for something fleeting that's worth coming there to see.
As Tyrone from Trailer Park Boys would say, "You're sayin' "come here'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?! That's too many "come heres", know'm sayin'? That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times?"
instead of letting contempt fester in you why not literally just say "im busy rn can it wait?" and then give your partner some fucking time later to share something with you they find interesting? you sound like a bitter person tbh. maybe just talk to them damn.
Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ?
maybe he just wants to spend time close to you. maybe he likes the way you smell, or the way you stand near him.
it's selfish and silly to ask you to drop whatever you're doing to attend him, that's inconsiderate and you need to find a way to communicate it. but perhaps he's just bad at requesting your company.
"Come here" feels unnecessarily directive to me. Like you, I'd be annoyed too if someone tried demanding my presence like that. You're not his to command.
My wife and I, if we want the other to see something, usually just say "Hey babe - check this out", and the other feels comfortable saying "Hang on" if they're doing something else. If it has some urgency, we'll add context: "Hey babe - come see what this idiot's doing in his car out the front". If what we want to show is portable (eg. a video on our phone) then we go to them.
Next time, I'd just respond with "What is it?".
Aw, he just wants to share something with you.
When my wife sees something interesting while in the car, she just points and says, "look!" And by the time I figure out what I'm supposed to look at, it's already gone.
Not the same by my husband used to start to tell me something bad, without any other info. As he’d be telling me whatever it was, I’d be tallying the cost in my head. When you’re listening to a story, and stressing the fuck out about the tens of thousands, or more it was going to cost to fix it, it’s terrible and an emotional roller coaster you don’t need. Eventually, after explaining multiple times, what he was doing to me, it finally clicked. So now he’ll tell me things like “so, I broke the blah blah, but I was able to fix it for $10 and some bloody knuckles.” Then he tells his story, and I’m able to actually listen and participate in then conversation.
He also used to tell me stuff like “oh btw we need to talk about xxx” and then try to get off the phone. Xxx was always something that could be really bad or just funny story. I broke him of that habit too. Now it’s more like “everything’s fine, just need to talk about xxx” this one’s like someone telling you “we need to talk” and then leaving you hanging for a day or two imo.
Only thing I call tell you is to talk to him. Explain in great detail exactly how stressful it is to you. He SHOULD be willing to change his action to stop hurting you. If he’s not, base your choices off that.
Maybe it's a language barrier thing "come here" sounds rude to my German brain. Like an order you give a dog, not the way you ask a person to come to you. "Check this out" seems the same but it sounds much better to me.
My wife doesn't do it all the time more when we first got together but she would call my name, like I'm a fucking dog. I just started saying "What?" Sometimes she would just say "come here" as a response and I would just give an akward silence for a second and say "Why?" with some attitude behind it. She figured out that it bothered me and stopped. Communication is cool.
I understand that it bothers you when he asks but maybe it's because you feel obligated to get up and go?
Have you tried not doing that? Seriously, tell that dude to tell you what it is or ignore him until he comes to you. You're the master of your brain, big dawg. Don't stress 🙏
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