this post was submitted on 02 Jan 2025
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Microblog Memes

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[–] MrJameGumb@lemmy.world 74 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I have the ability to provide constant unyielding optimism as long as no one ever asks me how I'm doing

[–] Birch@sh.itjust.works 24 points 3 months ago (2 children)
[–] colderr@lemmy.world 21 points 3 months ago
[–] sit@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] Birch@sh.itjust.works 9 points 3 months ago

What have I done... 😭

[–] jeena@piefed.jeena.net 52 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I can brew beer, bake bread, make wine, kill animals, preserve meat without a refrigerator, make sausages.

[–] LegoBrickOnFire@lemmy.world 27 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I can follow you around and make sure that your beer, bread, wine, meat and sausages are edible... To ensure you don't get food poisoning ofc!

[–] kambusha@sh.itjust.works 14 points 3 months ago

And that's the story of how I became the village dog.

[–] MelodiousFunk@slrpnk.net 33 points 3 months ago (4 children)

I'm a first-waver and I'm fine with that. The world is shit enough as it is, and I'm tired. Apocalypse? Not interested. Have at it.

[–] Shiggles@sh.itjust.works 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Not interested

You’re missing the opportunity - don’t just feel ambivalent about the apocalypse, embrace it. Be that one zombie that waits rotting in a ceiling for five years just to chomp a seasoned survivor two days from ~~retirement~~ evac.

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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 24 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

I was an electrical engineering student a long time ago, pretty handy with most tools and electronics. I'm also least likely to kill or rape people. Well, maybe not the least likely, but very low on the list of suspects.

I could probably get working communications up and running for communities in like a couple of weeks plus travel. I probably won't eat you.

I also have experience in demolition, reclamation, and construction. I can outrun the vast majority of people. How fast can you run?

[–] helpImTrappedOnline@lemmy.world 43 points 3 months ago (1 children)

This guys kinda sus "I probably won't eat you" "I'm least likely to kill and rape you, but not really least"

Yeah movie 101 says to just kill you first and be done.

[–] chetradley@lemm.ee 22 points 3 months ago (1 children)

"I probably won't rape, kill and eat you... By the way, how fast can you run?"

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[–] Cypher@lemmy.world 15 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Faster than you can with a broken leg, sorry about that

[–] MTK@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago

Whacky sleep schedule, I can always cover for someone who might need to rest

[–] BigPotato@lemmy.world 20 points 3 months ago (7 children)

Unfortunately, I'm a rifle and pistol skills trainer, handy enough with both power and non-power tools to barricade/build a functional shelter, a decent cook with barbones equipment, athletic enough to carry all that and still put in a days ruck, and multilingual enough that we won't have to kill everyone we come across right away...

Fortunately, my body regularly tries to kill me and I'll probably be in a coma before the month is out - so peace suckers.

[–] gamermanh@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I'm a rifle and pistol skills trainer

I'll probably be in a coma

5-long quest chain to wake you up since you're the rare trainer who can show me how to use the Buttfuckerator 5000 is what I'm getting from this

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[–] Dave2@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Mine would be being a good watch; startled easily, don't get bored, don't get tired.

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[–] Shortstack@reddthat.com 13 points 3 months ago

Gardening, food preservation, baking, and backyard chickens. I'll trade zucchini and eggs for everything and if I can't I'll give them away

[–] Deadeyegai@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago (4 children)

Seriously an undervalued skill in a zombie apocalypse

[–] Birch@sh.itjust.works 7 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Well, if you just join the hordes of the ambling dead right away you're not really helping are you

[–] justsomeguy@lemmy.world 11 points 3 months ago

Imagine you're in LA and a small community of survivors has formed. All of them need to eat and drink. Each of them could fuck up (leave door open, get infected and hide it, etc.). You sit down to make a list of all the skills they have and after hearing "improv theater" for the tenth time you change your mind about OP.

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[–] TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com 12 points 3 months ago

most of the people listing their skills here are skills that require a functioning civilization in order to use.

[–] Clinicallydepressedpoochie@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

I can sleep through anything.

Wake me up when they reestablish the society.

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[–] over_clox@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago (4 children)

Define the level of apocalypse..

Do you mean like evil acts of others? I wear personal self defense, fingers crossed I never need to use it.

Or like a flood or volcano eruption or something? Welp, guess I'm fucked too, I can't swim in water or lava. ☹️💀

[–] jaschen@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago (8 children)

Swimming is a great life skill that everyone, even older people should learn. Considering 97% of the earth is water. It's not if you will be in a large body of water, it is when.

[–] cron@feddit.org 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

The percentage is off (~70%), but I agree that swimming is something that everyone should learn.

[–] otter@lemmy.ca 10 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

The mixup / other percentage might have been here:

The ocean covers more than 70 percent of the surface of our planet. It's hard to imagine, but about 97 percent of the Earth's water can be found in our ocean. Of the tiny percentage that's not in the ocean, about two percent is frozen up in glaciers and ice caps

[–] Zagorath@aussie.zone 9 points 3 months ago

It's also an extremely good low stress way to get exercise as you age, in a way that, say, running is not.

[–] helpImTrappedOnline@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Sorry, they didn't offer lava swimming at my school. Private classes are all too expensive.

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[–] MintyFresh@lemmy.world 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I'm really snarky. What everyone really craves in trying times is a relentless stream of inane criticism.

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[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy@feddit.uk 10 points 3 months ago

I have watched a frankly absurd amount of youtube survival videos. I am reasonably certain i could survive long enough to die of starvation since the foraging aspect of survival never really interested me enough

[–] recentSloth43@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Brewing alcohol and maybe making drugs. Very essential stuff ;)

[–] Allonzee@lemmy.world 9 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

My special apocalypse skill is culture and entertainment.

I have a hundred TV series, a thousand curated movies, thousands of E books, and thousands of songs on a private server with 2 run drives in case that happens, encrypted of course, and with a laptop have the ability to play them for others or plug into anything with hdmi or even rgb as I carry an adapter.

Even at the end, there will be communities with solar grids that will want entertainment. I even have children's series for the kids.

If things are so bad that the prospect of a community movie night between farming and defense watches isn't an enticement, being shot would probably be a mercy. Plus, given time to scrounge and loot the before-fore times, it'd be pretty easy to offer copies of that entertainment to others in trade to other survivor communities without giving much up.

How much would an old laptop with 100 movies be worth to a community that's been telling eachother blurry recollections of old fiction around the fire for entertainment for years?

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[–] Agent641@lemmy.world 9 points 3 months ago

Apocalypse? I guess I could ride a horse pretty good.

[–] bizzle@lemmy.world 9 points 3 months ago

I'm a handyman and a weed farmer lmfao I can't wait for the apocalypse

[–] SaharaMaleikuhm@feddit.org 9 points 3 months ago (2 children)

All my skills are computer related. I'd be useless as heck.

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[–] Free_Opinions@feddit.uk 8 points 3 months ago

That I'm actually somewhat prepaired for it and when others go fist fighting for fuel and toilet paper I'll just hunker down in my house waiting for the worst chaos to subside.

[–] Im_old@lemmy.world 8 points 3 months ago (3 children)

I have zero remorse and can shut down empathy

[–] iknowitwheniseeit@lemmynsfw.com 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

The question wasn't how you can help bring about the apocalypse, comrade....

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[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 8 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I'm a mechanical engineer who's done a lot of hands-on metalworking. Welding, cutting, grinding... you name it. The spikes on your vehicle and the diesel fuel powering it need to come from somewhere. You'll need lots of guns and ammo too.

And yes I've got it all in print for when the power is out. My Machinery's Handbook will be passed down for generations.

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[–] dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de 8 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I could make a zombie tracking web app.

[–] chetradley@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago (7 children)

The real trick is getting the airtags onto the zombies.

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[–] Canonical_Warlock@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Honestly, assuming I can keep getting the stimulants I need to function I would be pretty valuable. I'm good at fixing damn near everything, I'm good with a rifle, and I am an eagle scout with all the survival training that entailed. Of course without my drugs you might as well call me "emergency rations" for all the good I would do.

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[–] toxic_cloud@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Assuming I don't immediately die (honestly would hope I did in that situation) I am very stubborn and would probably persist.

I have been into programming and electronics for almost my whole life (assuming I had any way to power them), love cooking, ferment and can foods all the time and have a good sized garden and a big grow tent with mushrooms in it. I also have several fish tanks with plants so I'm sure I could rig up some aquaponics system. And my wife is a nurse so I'm always learning a lot from her. Even built a backyard mini forge and kiln once because I was bored.

Just don't make me kill any animals and I think I'll be ok (unless the animals were injured and needed to be put down or in self defense). If someone else did all the hunting I'd happily do the butchering, though.

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[–] starman2112@sh.itjust.works 6 points 3 months ago

Moxie and a can-do attitude

[–] Anticorp@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

There really isn't anything that I can't do well enough. I'm somewhat of a Renaissance Man. Shooting, hunting, fighting, farming, construction, fishing, mechanics, electronics, radio communication, soldering, flying, whatever, I've done it.

[–] Steak@lemmy.ca 6 points 3 months ago

Can grow weed and am purple belt in bjj. Could teach wrestling and grappling and get you high. Worked as an electrical apprentice for some time. Can wire up all sorts of basic shit. Insulated a couple thousand home in my time, I can keep a place warm.

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)
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