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I housed a teen for a while and my rules were anything had to be safe and with positive consent. I knew banning sex under my roof was a fools errand.
I also gave permission to use me as "the bad guy". That if they ever were unsure and wanted an excuse, they could say, "ugh, Vanth makes me keep the door open. Lame adult, amiright?" They used that at least once that I know of.
They're an awesome adult now who is far better at having healthy relationships than I was at that age.
Great job!
That latter part is genius. I'ma take note
In Austria, where I’m from, sex ed in school gets a brief introduction at age 10 when learning about the human anatomy, gradually learning more in biology class. Before ending middle school, there’s a mandatory intensive sex ed course, at least that was the thing 17 years ago.
Condoms were primarily advertised as medical products for preventing from sexual diseases, and only secondly as pregnancy preventions.
1 in 10 has had sex with 14 years old in my country, keep it safe, better at home with condoms than in the woods without. If they want to, they’ll find a way.
No, I would simply give them a box of condoms or whatever.
If they're gonna do it, they're gonna do it, and as a parent, you're way better off with your kids comfortable not hiding it because if there's complications you can intervene quickly. If the condom broke, you want the kid to come to you so you can get plan B and not have to deal with an abortion a couple weeks or even months later. It's also way better they get caught doing it at home vs in a car and now be on the sex offender registry.
What you're describing is abstinance and is common in religious families, and well know for being ineffective. Plus as you've described, it completely falls apart when bisexuality is involved, and it makes even less sense if it's physically impossible to even get pregnant.
The same extends to alcohol, drugs, porn, whatever evil vice people are worried. If your kid's gonna do drugs, you want them to feel comfortable calling you if they have a bad trip, and also feel comfortable giving you the drugs so you can get them to the hospital and they can quickly identify what you're on and give the necessary medications.
They're gonna learn about all that eventually, better they learn it from you. Punishment and "you'll understand when you're grown up" doesn't work. If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough for the answers too.
It's not exactly relevant to the original question, but is to your response ... My mom always told me "don't do drugs, but if you do, do them with me so I can make sure you're doing them right."
It's not exactly relevant to the original question, but is to your response ... My mom always told me "don't do drugs, but if you do, do them with me so I can make sure you're doing them right."
Was that her policy on sex too?
Edit: a lot of people without a sense of humor in this thread.
No, but she did once tell me about a woman's perspective on losing virginity, then laugh and say "now the first time you have sex you'll think about what I said!"
I didn't, though.
It depends if she hot or not...
Needed that "/s" perhaps 👀
I have a feeling this is something very American. I've never heard of or experienced this kind of bullshit in Germany. It's completely normal to start having sex. Just make sure that there are condoms and let the teens be teens.
Early children ruin lives. Early sex with out risk of child is fine.
Every parent of a gay or bisexual child iv ever talked to about this topic has had the same thought process.
If not for the risk of early grandkid then they wouldn't really care.
Teenagers are horny they going to do what animals do. But they arnt smart enough generally to do it safely in most cases.
That seems ridiculous. If my kid wants to have sex they'd just find another way to do it outside of their house.
depends on the age obviously..but I wouldn't care. wear protection and be open about things.
I mean - let’s try and keep the noise down a bit.
Not only, be involved and actually teach them what sex is and how to do it properly
Ah yes, an open door, the ultimate and unbreakable curse that forbids a teenager for having sex no matter what.
The best thing a parent can do when their kids become sexually active is to buy them condoms. Many unsecure sex at that age is done out of pure embarrassment over going to a place to buy them or having their parents know what they are doing. They are going to have sex regardless, at least do your best so it is safe sex.
If my kid grows up to be half as good looking as his mother and half as lucky as his father, it's already going to be a perfect storm. The forces at play would far exceed the power of any door.
Lmao. "Parents of lemmy..."
Responses: if i ever have kids...
Gen X here. My mother (boomer, hippie) would have friends over and they'd smoke, they'd send the friend's kid up to my room, upstairs and around the corner. Didn't matter if the door was open or closed, they were in the makeshift den (converted garage) stoned outta their gourds. I had a few girls up, and I remember one flashing me and being nervous about it. Looking back I think she was giving me a hint, somewhere between "I wanna see yours" and "come get this." But I was a dumb teenage boy and I think I just played on the Nintendo or the computer (had both in my bedroom). But yeah, had a few girls up there, and it didn't matter if we had the door open or closed, if we wanted to hook up, our parents wouldn't have known (except my bedroom was directly above the garage, though my mother would also play her records, so maybe they wouldn't have heard thumping).
Straight guy, but again, I wasn't really interested in hooking up in those days. And when I say "friend's kid" I mean boys or girls, as young as 5 or 6 and as old as 16 or 17. I was 13-15 when I lived there. If it was a little kid, I was designated the babysitter and would entertain the kid. I was pretty good at it. Only one or twice was it a girl my age. About half the time it was a boy, and about 3/4 of the time they were way too young — not that I was really into girls, or enough to try to make a move even if they were the right age. They were all, as the guy says in Fight Club about airplane neighbors, "disposable friends." Or was it "single-use"? So I never made a move on the girls my age; whether they were attractive to me or not, we just played Nintendo or computer games or looked at comic books or something.
God no (I would never expect them to keep the door open). I know they probably are fucking, just hope they use the birth control options made available to them.
Same reason you knock and wait for them to open the door before going into their room (they probably are off masterbating)
no?! I dont wanna see them have sex wtaf
You haven’t brought age and maturity into this discussion and it’s a big piece of info on scaling the answer. 14 no. 17 possibly.
Secondly there is the other minor to consider. As a parent it is my job to ensure the visiting minor is safe and comfortable so even if my child wants the door closed and I trust them it could still be a no.
There are so many variables here. It’s never a simple yes I would or no I wouldn’t. It’s a parents job to read the room in the literal sense here. You are a parent first before you are a friend and sometimes that goes against a child’s wants in the moment.
Kids today have joysticks and xbox. Back in my day, we just had stick and box. We were definitely banging at 14.
I see it as 'This is our house but lovemaking needs to happen elsewhere. The child moves out at 18 and does whatever they want.' Of course, the child prior to 18 needs to understand consent and the use of contraception.
depends what they were doing in there
It's an old house, so usually we keep the doors open for ventilation.
If they were making out, I don't wanna see that, close the door.
Not a parent, but here's my perspective.
My mother always made me work for it. She had a door open policy among other things. She didn't actually care if I was doing the things I wasn't supposed to be doing, she just didn't want to find out. If she found out, it meant I was being too careless/stupid. It's actually a really good way to build up your risk evaluation skills! I did occasionally get myself in trouble (not with sex but other things), and she would help me out of the situation. Id get a lecture about what I did wrong afterwards, but honestly she was pretty good at teaching me.
Define kids.
Why bother? It never stopped me or anyone I knew from a little hanky panky.
That’s a really good question.
My first two trains of thought would be 1) door open, or 2) no going to your room to be alone with the person you’re attracted to. But at the same time, I remember that it’s going to happen, regardless of what I do or say, and my first concern is that they are safe.
So really, I don’t know what I’d do, and I’m not looking forward to finding out in the foreseeable future (I have a tween now, so my days are numbered).
that could have ended very differently when you started with "my first two trains..."
You asked it two different ways, in the title you asked if they'd need to keep the door open (my answer is 'no'), but in the body text, you asked if I would allow them to close the door (my answer is 'yes').
But, I grew up in the 70s, so people weren't so uptight then, at least the parents I dealt with weren't. So, I didn't have any rules for my son, and, had I had a daughter, I wouldn't have had any rules for her.
In fact, I'd be happier if they were at home, they'd be safe at home.
While I'm not a parent, I know a married couple who told me about giving their teen kids "the talk", which was about STD protection and an edict to use rubbers.
But, I think you're asking us to weigh in about your own parents' choices, and it's not our place to do that. They get to decide their own comfort zone. It sounds like they are reasonably enlightened and that's the best you can hope for. It also might be that they don't want you disengaging too much from the rest of the household when you're at home, as opposed to trying to be controlling about your sex life.
I wont cast a judgement one way or another on how to approach this, but just know that it is an incredibly common rule. Every girlfriend I had growing up had this same rule, or even more strict. For one I wasn't allowed in her bedroom at all when I came over.
It sounds like your parents are perfectly including your identity in their decision. I know from experience that the rule sucks, especially when you aren't even planning to do anything and just want to hang out in a comfortable space. But it is common, and quite reasonable considering how other parents might approach it.
As long as they use contraceptive they can do whatever they want. And by that I mostly mean IUD and pills because condom are trash that make sex not worth having
From what you’ve described it seems their main concern was you not getting pregnant.
As to whether it was the best strategy, depends on their beliefs and what other options you and your boyfriend had.
Not a parent and I've honestly no idea what I'd do if the occasion arises.
I'd like to raise a family, but I'm also not sure how it would come to be. I haven't quite understood the urge to have sex, at least not in the way many people seem to. Always had the door open, not at the command of my parents, but because I never felt any reason to close it. Might literally have to ask my children for their perspective.
I would want the door open for any gender my kid was attracted to unless I knew kids with the other kid are impossible.
If it's a son, then probably not.
OP, important point is that these questions answers typically skew to the very young.