Ask Lemmy

Hey.

I honestly don't know whether this would be a good idea, or a bad one, but that's up to you;

What if... what if... you talked about your gf about a professional photographer? I know it could sound way more daunting to someone with body dysmorphia, but also, sometimes photographers are really good at handling shy subjects and being extra good at making people's comfortable. And to do it, she could take a bit of Dutch Courage or something idk an anti-anxiety pill, perhaps.

The point being that professional photos might make her see her body as more sexy as she usually looks at it in a mirror and not through professional photography.

Also it would mean you'd be able to make larger and larger prints as your vision degenerates. And even if she didn't want to look at them, or feel like getting naked at some point, maybe she'd still subconsciously realise that you really do think she's beautiful as you keep going back to browse the photos and have a quick wank lol.

Anyways, just a thought.

There are great answers here. I tell my husband he sees with eyes of love, not with a critical gaze like I have for myself.

I think asking is a good idea, and impending blindness is not an excuse. Don't push but do explain like you have for us here.

If you have a very joking relationship, maybe tell her that if you go blind without the vision of her, you are gonna have to feel her up all the time to figure out her body.

SO: has BDD, fears not being enough

You: "I'm going blind. The only thing I want to remember in this world is you"

For me, from the looks of things, NTA. Sensitivity is a wonderful thing if you know how to navigate it right.

Y'all been together 10y. Uncomfortable conversations are necessary sometimes. I think you're going to have to crack some of these eggshells. How you crack them is another thing. I think you gotta start with cracking your own shell about asking. Simply stating you're horny for example. Whether at that point she's down for sex, a bj, hj or you have to jerk it in the shower are all valid results of that statement that she has control over. If she says no piv sex but she'll give you a bj you kinda gotta take her word for it.

My now wife once said she'd give me a bj or sex anytime I asked and I said she underestimated how horny I was. I was right but it was a good week and now she'll say no if she's not feeling up to it. A short bit of discomfort, no harm done, longterm benefit where i can ask without coercion worries (usually) and she can respond without being afraid of hurting my feelings or giving me blue balls.

One thing to keep in mind with body dysmorphia is that what you think about their body is unlikely to change how they feel about their body. Often times, dysmorphia doesn't stem from outside influences, and is an entirely internal struggle. Depending on what their dysmorphia is rooted in, showering them in praise may help them accept their body, or may compound their negative emotions ("I'm ugly and I'm dating an idiot").

You both have valid desires, but they're both at odds with each other. Honestly, I'd recommend a therapy session for the both of you. It would probably be beneficial to have a neutral third party involved in the conversation.

You wouldn't be an asshole for asking, but you would be an asshole if you kept insisting after they said no.

Communication is great, coercion is not.

Also sounds like therapy would be a good idea, but that can be said of anyone.

Just tossing on: 'If I have to go blind I want to make your naked body the vision I take with me into the darkness' sounds like a hell of a compliment, and maybe the basis for a gothic love song/novella.

Have you attempted showering them with barely contained lust? Like looney tune style 'awooga' stuff?

Well, of course you can ask but your condition grants you no privileges over someone else’s boundaries. You’re only the asshole if you don’t respect those boundaries.

This really calls for an interpretive dance.

This is really difficult as your impending doom feelings are somewhat clouding your natural inclinations.

However, it seems like you have not expressed your desires, wishes and reasoning openly and transparently, which would be a good start.

I would say one-sided gratification is not inherently bad if there is trust, safety, an easy out and frequent check-ins, but those need constant attention.

I would echo other commenters saying ultimately you’ll have to feel your way.

Important that there shouldn't be any coercion yada yada but as a BDD sufferer my Owner pushing me (consensually) to be naked more often has helped me develop a better body image and allowed me to feel desirable

So I assume you are in a relationship where you can openly talk about your needs and wishes. And in this case asking them would be okay in my book. Depending on your communication it may help to give them some context. I guess your desire to burn their image in your head comes (partially) from the fear of forgetting. I'd also try to think of a way to achieve this without your SO just having to stand there, naked, vulnerable and being started at. How could you make this as comfortable as possible, maybe even fun for both of you?

BUT it has to be clear to your SO that they can say no and that you won't be upset about it. You know your SO best, so I hope your are able to bring this point across.

Your current situation is a conflict of interest. You want to cement that body of your SO into your brain and they likely feel unbelievably uncomfortable with the mere thought of it. Both of you have valid points from your own point of view. My spouse is a very visual person, I have a lot of issues, also related to my body. Sometimes he's taking a few photos so he can stare at them instead. Maybe there are also potential compromises / walk arounds you can find.

So, suppose your partner uses her BDD to pressure you into not looking at her naked, saying she'll be okay being naked around you once you lose your sight. How would that make you feel?