Make every car moan when you start it
Have penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard
First wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating
Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style
Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.
Love, Satan
Third kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
You still feel horny urges, but baby can only be created via intense accordion action. It'd be a real blessing, the most effective form of contraceptive available.
"Blessing". Weird Al would have his hands full pretty quickly.
Notice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
Do you masturbate to reproduce?
Shit damn. I can't masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It's just good ol' pleasure now.
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di
Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.
Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.
You sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
Climate change solved?
1st wish: bring all insects together into one mega organism blob that slowly traverses the earth consuming anything it touches
Make bedbugs immune to insecticides.
Bedbugs now fly.
Just a FYI, most bed bugs are immune to insecticides already.
Tests and studies have shown that insecticides work as well as water for killing bed bugs. 25% kill rate and lowering each year.
The best tool against bed bugs is heat (Steam cleaner) or Diatomaceous Earth.
The time I had bedbugs we killed them with an ant's insecticide. Looking up the active chemical found its banned in the US and the EU because it induce abortions and fetus malformation.
Yup, that’ll do it.
cancel update CANCEL UPDATE
So Nausicaä?
"All bugs are now the size of dogs."
I think that just results in billions of dog sized bugs being dead no? Isn't it a lack of available oxygen in the air that keeps their size down?
Granted, every flying insect becoming as large as a dog and plummeting to the Earth instantly would be fucking horrifying.
The inverse-square law means that most insects lack the body structure to withstand their own weight at that size, which would mean a horrifying moment or all insects growing and then imploding under their own weight.
You guys are all ignoring the most fundamental law of physics: Monkey's Paw Law.
"Grant the desired wish in the most unpleasant way possible."
Hidden Effect: Phyics now supports bugs the size of dogs.
All yards become massive piles of dead dogs erupting everywhere from the ground.
"I'ma boutta singlehandedly bring the worldwide prices for gasoline and ammo up a cent."
Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5
Would this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
By a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
Unfortunately it's just "bank balance", so actual debts outside of that wouldn't be touched.
It would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
To the power of 0.5 would be better
Yeah this
Multiply bank balances by current balance/$1000000
There's the evil
Can't have the common folk benefiting after all, that would be ludicrous.
Divide every bank balance by zero
That's just a fancy way of saying "cut in half".
XKCD 2741 Alt Text: "I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."
Third wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.
How do we know that's not what happened to Trump?
He would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.
Accelerationism intensifies.
Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.
Third wish: we hit 2 degrees ten years ahead of schedule
Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.
Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!
1. Be Respectful
Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.
Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.
...
2. No Illegal Content
Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.
That means:
-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals
-No CSA content or Revenge Porn
-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)
...
3. No Spam
Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.
-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.
-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.
-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers
-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.
...
4. No Porn/Explicit
Content
-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.
-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.
...
5. No Enciting Harassment,
Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts
-Do not Brigade other Communities
-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.
-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.
-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.
...
6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.
-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.
-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.
...
If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.
Also check out:
Partnered Communities:
1.Memes
10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)
Reach out to
All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker
