Start prepping for some strategic tech investments.

Take my routine morning shit. But instead of my phone I’m reading the label on the back of any bottle I can reach from the throne.

Do I wake up at 6 years old? Or as I am now, but in '95?

Doesn't matter, I'm watching fuckin POWER RANGERS.

What was I doing in 1995?

I would wake up, pour some Frosted Flakes and play Donkey Kong Country.

What would I do now?

Go outside and take a slow walk through my old neighborhood and probably cry.

1995...

I was 10 years old and in the 5th grade.

And I remember everything, huh? Hoo boy. Hoooo boyyyyy.

First thing I do is write this list while it's still fresh in my mind:

1. ADHD is real and it will ruin my potential if I don't face it head on. The medication won't work on me yet, though, so tell Mom and Dad I NEED to get back on medication when my brain is more developed in a couple years.
2. Also, for future reference: it isn't actually a deficit of ATTENTION at all--it's really stupidly named by neurotypicals who don't fucking get it--it's TIME BLINDNESS and a deficit of IMPULSE CONTROL and EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.
3. Sugar is going to make me extremely sick and all my weight and fitness issues come directly from carbohydrate overdose. STOP drinking soda, and avoid refined/homogenized starch!
4. I'm about to enter the most painful and traumatizing stage of my formative years. The middle school I'll be attending starting 6th grade will be hell on earth. I need to keep my FUCKING mouth shut and not talk to ANYONE unless they talk to me. I also need to practice the skill of mindful dissociation and compartmentalization. Stoicism will be my only shelter.
5. Yes the adults around me are morons and don't know what they're talking about, but broken clocks can be right twice a day. In this case, they're correct about homework and studying being important for the wrong reasons: It is NOT about satisfying the expectations of teachers, but rather it is entirely for practicing the skill of internalizing and recalling information. I will not regret time I spend on it.
6. Mom and Dad are struggling financially right now. Dad's racking up debt while Mom is the only reliable source of income. That's why they would "hold onto" my birthday and xmas money "for safekeeping". it is neither kept nor safe; it's gone. All of it. HIDE ANY MONEY I RECEIVE... and tell grandpa to buy stock in Apple.
7. Express early interest in nuclear energy and pursue it with everything I've got. Approach via Mechanical Engineering. I'll enjoy Computer Aided Drafting in High School.
8. Remember the major incidents to come: Columbine and zero tolerance policy in 1999, also dotcom bubble crash, Al Gore will lose in 2000, WTC will be destroyed by a terrorist attack 2001-09-11, Bush Jr administration will cause the housing market to crash as well by 2008, America succumbs to Fascism in 2016, and there will be a global plague in 2020.
9. I'm a furry and I am not actually a boy despite being assigned male at birth. Embrace androgyny. Get online. Find my tribe. Draw a lot.

Fire up my PC and hit the dial up to check my email and BBS's.

Two chicks at the same time

Boot up my dad's computer and play some shareware off the magazine cover disk I got months ago.

Or go to the library I guess.

Cell phones existed in 1995. They were expensive and just used for making phone calls, tho.

Had the internet too. I'd be playing Doom or checking out Usenet forums.

I really miss summers without wildfire smoke.

Am i the only person who is driven insane by the insinuation that WiFi is synonomous with 'having the internet'?

I'd hug my mom. Then I'd go ask the pretty next door girl for a date; I lesrned later in life that she also had a crush on me at the time, but since I was plain looking and slightly overweight nerd I never thought I'd hsve any chance with her.

After getting that out of my system I'd do the obligatory investing.

I'd walk out to the street then light me up that cigarette and strap shoes on my feet.

I'd probably try to find a reason where everything went wrong. I'd really like to find a reason why my money is all gone.

Am I stupid or is this sentence unparseable?

Get my SNES or Gameboy and play some Zelda.

Super Nintendo

Buy AAPL

Go online, just like I did back then. I've been online before the web. And it was more fun. And no ads.

First thing? Honestly, probably curl into the fetal position and start bawling for a while as I fully relax for the first time since circa 2007.

Am I a grown adult that wakes up in a foster care home and the child that was there previously is gone?
Do I have to spend the rest of my life without an identity, or clinging to the “delusion” that I was this child that mysteriously disappeared?

Am I a child with 40 years of life experience?
Not long after, When I was 14, my first consensual sexual experience involved an 18-year-old. We got caught, and folks widely regard/regarded her as being inappropriate/in the wrong. Huh. First girlfriend, high school dances/romances. College. Jesus - every relationship basically forever.
If I proceed down the same path, does that mean I’m the creep now?

Invest in Apple.

1995? Springer and the price is right in the morning (Bob Barker baby!) then Aladdin, Batman/Superman, Animaniacs and the Simpsons in the afternoon.

In-between all that we get 90s commercials!

Buy Apple stock.

I buy relevant stocks to make me rich and revel in the fact that there is no internet again. I am 68 and have been there and done that already.

I mean, your mom was around back then...

Try to find that cool looking Beavis and Butthead site I saw my brother browsing in the earliest days of our internet access. I had asked him where he found it and he couldn't remember, so I searched and searched and searched to no avail. I never found that Beavis and Butthead site. I just remember there was a lot of yellow.

Log on to BBS, play LORD and post to forums with local users, maybe chat a bit. Fire up sirdoom, waste a few bozos with a BFG. Drive to my buddies house maybe smoke some weed..

Go to all the live gigs, then invest. Probably steal PayPal.

Do you wake up as you are now, or as you were back then? I didn’t exist in 1995.

Party like it's 1999!

Boot up my 486, call over my friends and play MK1

Alternatively make some new M:TG decks using my new Ice Age booster packs and head to the FLGS

Buy a cellphone. We already had them in the late 80's.

Turn on my computer and play some Command and Conquer or if it's weekday, get up and prep for school.

Go back to sleep

Hang out with my grandparents, ask them everything. I miss them.

Take a big shit since I can't shitpost

Use my current knowledge of memory-safe system languages to invent D before Walter Bright, but without the garbage collection.

I'll start a few websites, like facebook.com, twitter.com, reddit.com

Make them all federated sites right out of the gate

jerk it

Masturbate, back to sleep.