Finding one of my children dead, it has happened once already.
this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2025
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You're a good parent.
Unlike my parents who are just shitty and would feel relieved if I kms right now.
At least your parents like metric! That’s gotta count!
But seriously, no license is needed to become a parent, one of the greatest responsibilities IMO. Maybe they don’t actually hate you, and just don’t know to parent good. If they hated your guts, why would they (badly?) raise you instead of giving you in adoption the moment you were born?
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Thanks for sharing this. Losing a child is so devastating people become pariah, but you're showing people it happens and people get through it. I'm sorry your child passed, they should still be here today
Work was very supportive of me during that time, excluding my direct supervisor, who nearly ended up being fired over it. I had support from friends that helped as well.
But it being a suicide added so much more taboo to it. His birth giving parent (is a trans man) was raised very religious and had a hard time telling people it was a suicide, so I kept it quiet. Eventually they announced the suicide and me being able to talk about it in that sense really helped me a lot.
I'm glad that you got the support you needed and deserved. I've got a lot of respect for your boss fighting so hard for you.
Suicide is really hard, it brings up additional terrible and profound emotions. Having to keep it secret is additional stress, and isn't a nice secret to keep. Well done for getting through it ❤️
I'm so sorry! It happened to two friends of mine and they were absolutely destroyed, stay strong!
It was 11 1/2 years ago, he would be 29 years this year.
You know, every time I mention this I get strange looks (I also have now just realized that makes me sound like I bring this up very often - I've done so maybe twice):
My odd specific fear is based around the fact that I have quite a few medical issues, a lot of the symptoms haven't been resolved yet due to not knowing the root cause. This has been the case for years... I fear that I'll end up leaving this planet in some strange way that ends up triggering an autopsy being performed on me. The examiner then basically says "Wow, this guy lived a tough life. If only his doctors had known about XYZ, these issues could've been easily solved" - and that effectively all of this that I deal with is "for nothing".
On one hand, I like to think that if seeing numerous specialists for how long I've been doing so hasn't resulted in answers, then it's probably not super likely that an ME would just randomly find the answer on a simple autopsy.
On the other hand, quite a few of the doctors that I see don't really listen, and are always in a rush to get you out the door in five minutes... So maybe not.
In the end, I try not to think about it too often - there's nothing more that I can do, at least not reasonably. I mean sure, I could go to medical school and try to become a doctor and hope by then I have the knowledge to diagnose myself, but I wouldn't really call that "reasonable". Plus, I hear doctors make terrible patients.
I get this it's a valid fear. What's your gut instinct about it?
Hmm, do you mean whether they'd find an answer (or even what the answer might be)? If so, it's tough to say.
Edit: This is a much longer response than I intended to give... My bad!
One of the issues I've been dealing with for example is I'm constantly incredibly tired. The feeling that most people have when they first wake up for a couple of minutes where they're not fully awake even though they're "physically awake" is the closest I can describe it, except I have it all day most of the time.
Doesn't matter how much sleep I get, the result ends up pretty much being the same. I do often have sleep issues, but sometimes I think that it's a cyclical result of me being too tired throughout the day and thus not doing enough, and so my brain doesn't think that it's time to sleep because I haven't done anything (but then because I don't sleep well, the next day I still end up doing "not enough" because I'm even more tired from the lack of sleep)... I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but when I bring it up to doctors they don't seem to think it's a crazy theory.
Trying to find out the root cause though has not been easy, as sadly lethargy and fatigue are very generic symptoms - the amount of things that can cause it (even on a chronic level like mine) is... quite a list. And then if you eliminate one, that doesn't mean that others aren't affecting you either.
So for example, it's common for me to be low on iron and other essential vitamin levels because I have Crohn's Disease which one of the side effects is that you have a hard time absorbing those nutrients. Nowadays I consistently see a hematologist who checks for these things, and I can have iron infusions done to fix low iron levels.
A couple of years ago, my results were so low that the lab tech called my doctor saying it was dangerously low, who then called me at 8PM in the day saying that I needed to drop what I was doing and go straight to the ER for an emergency blood transfusion. One of the jobs of iron to my understanding is to be a binder for oxygen so that it can be carried throughout your body - if it gets too low, you risk your organs basically not getting enough.
Then last year we found out my testosterone levels were practically that of an 80 year old man - I'm in my late 20s... So I had to start TRT, and everyone hoped that would be the magical fix - sadly, it wasn't (though it still needed to be addressed anyways). That however comes with its own issues.
Now they want me to get a sleep study done because their next idea is that I might just never (or very rarely) be entering REM sleep - if you don't enter REM sleep, then you're pretty much not actually sleeping (an 8 hour sleep without REM is practically just an 8 hour "power nap"). But even if that were the case, and we got it fixed, there's still no guarantees that there isn't some other issue that is triggering the fatigue.
As to my gut feeling, I know there is certainly an answer - I just don't know what the answer is. But there is absolutely zero chance that the majority of the humans on this planet can go about their lives and actually be awake with enough energy to do "normal things" such as work an 8 hour day, and that I'm somehow that unique to just be missing some vital gene or such, especially when I used to be among those people. I haven't even hit my thirties yet!
Somewhere along the way, something went critically wrong and I lost that "ability", but as to what that "something" is I unfortunately just don't know because after all these years I've exhausted the list of things I think it could be based off my limited medical knowledge (I of course never went to medical school, but living with an autoimmune disease since before you even started puberty you do at least learn a little bit).
I guess the other tangential fear I have is that I'll spend the rest of my "good years" trying to figure this out, and that eventually the doctors will just blame it on old age. Time only flows in one direction, once March 16th 2025 has come and gone, it'll never swing by again - there's no do-over if they just don't find the answer in time.
That sounds horrible. I struggle with energy a lot, but not to the degree you're describing so I can't imagine...
I generally think we should be careful with self-medicating, and I don't know if this is allowed on this forum so I'll accept any consequences:
Have you tried amphetamines/stimulants? Like a very low dose, not anything to make life a party but just a hint to get yourself going, lower than anything you think of. Only early in the morning and no refills during the day, so it won't interfere with your sleep and won't build tolerance. And only pure shit, a thoroughly tested substance, not street-meth or other untested garbage that can be mixed with fentanyl and cocaine and a host of other substances - I mean like actual adhd-medication.
It's not going to solve whatever underlying issue you have (unless it's ADHD, lol), but if it makes you function and feel better it while figuring it out it could be worth it. Ideally as prescribed by a doctor to monitor your heart and health over time.
Regardless , I hope you find whatever you need to feel better and more energetic.
I appreciate that, thanks! There are two big problems that I'd have with self-medicating. Trying to actually obtain medication that is "clean" and not mixed with other bad stuff (while also trying to navigate the legal issues that could come with it - landing in prison would certainly not do well with my condition...) and then despite all of the medical knowledge that I've picked up from being in and out of hospitals, seeing various doctors, etc - I won't pretend that this knowledge comes even close to understanding all of the inherent risks of said medications, and interactions that can come up from other adjacent medications I take. Hell, sometimes the doctors don't even do a good job at screening this, and it comes down to the pharmacist warning me "Hey, we show that you're taking X and Z, the new Y medication your doctor prescribed can conflict with this. Are you sure they're aware you're taking X and Z?". It would seem that even doctors who go through the entire process of becoming a doctor can be bad at this particular (but very important) bit pharmacology - so I'm not sure what chance I'd have at being any better 😅
(Of course, I always make sure my doctors are aware of what I'm taking - the list is large, but I keep track of it very well)
So that kinda just leaves going the "proper" route of this, and unfortunately like other controlled substances, doctors (at least here in the US) get antsy if you even briefly suggest it and are quick to then label you as drug seeking. Then the next problem is trying to get a doctor who is even authorized to prescribe you that kind of medication - a lot of the practices over here have rules that prohibit their doctors from prescribing those substances even if they think its in your best judgment. AFAIK this is because of malpractice insurance, the FDA's tight grip over it, and other factors that are just out of their control. It is something that is probably worth me trying if nothing else than to rule it out as a potential treatment vector, but as it is, I don't really have a way to explore it sadly (in a safe manner that is).
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Waking up to find my partner dead. I used to leave for work while she was still deeply asleep so every morning before I kissed her goodbye I would have that moment of terror that when my lips touch her she would be cold.
Thalassophobia, aka fear of deep water. No problem being in a boat, but swimming in it is a no-go. I can swim in swimming pools, but the larger the body of water (ponds, lakes, ocean, etc) the larger the fear. I think it has something to do with not being able to see through the depth of the water? Strangely enough, the idea of being in space doesn't bother me at all.
I also tried Subnautica (based on recommendations) like a dumbass, played it for 20 minutes and had a panic attack. Uninstalled!
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I dont want to hold babies. I have a fear that I will drop it and I am not sure what I would say to the parents. Im not sure what is going to happen when I have kids
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That I'll die before my kids are adults and I won't be there to prepare them for the world.
That while I'm driving I'll have to sneeze while driving across a bridge and during that split second while my eyes are closed and I'm distracted by the sneeze I'm going to drive off the edge.
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Losing all of my memories, and therefore proof that I've lived, to hereditary dementia.
I’ve tried to live a good life, and tried to be a good influence around me. My secret fear is suddenly dying in public, and farting like some corpses.
I want to be remembered as a good coworker or friend, etc., not as the guy who farted loudly after dying.
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That I have pee pee dribbles on my pants, after walking out of a work or public restroom. It's not even that I'm afraid I actually have pee pee dribbles, but that when I washed my hands, water drops got on or around my crotchal region, and people will believe it's pee pee.
Not much at this point. After having open heart surgery and having my heart stop a couple of times, I'm not really scared of much.
I hear ya. Being told I was going to die within a couple years and getting my brain drilled through my skull, the normal petty fears melt away. Totally over the fear of needles now. You and are in the “I should be dead, IDGAF” club now 🤝
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If it’s okay, would you explain why? Did you make your preparations in case of death, or are like “give your best shot, life”?
Really, the only thing I was scared of was needles. Well, I've been poked and stabbed more times since 2018 than I can count. Another blood draw and IV last Thursday in fact.
Your perspective on fear and pain changes once you've been cracked open like a lobster and laced back up with metal like a ballet slipper.
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My family finding out about my fictional crushes, showing that I've got a superbly weird taste in fictional men.
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I have a fear of being wrongly accused/arrested for something horrific, like murder, and then when I'm taken in for questioning I do what you're supposed to and refuse to speak and ask for a layer, but that just makes everyone suspect me more and I end up in prison.
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Whenever I have to go into the city (I live in a small town) I have to take a short ferry to get there. Whenever it lists like 4-6 degrees, it scares me so bad.
Being helpless in a situation I had already thought about but never had the opportunity to prepare for.
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Saws. The sound they're making shakes me to my core and having to help someone who almost amputated their finger enforced that fear further
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Fear of ending up in Guantanamo and getting tortured. (I'm American)
I can’t look at super close up pictures of insects, like where you can see all the little hairs and shit. Sends shivers down my spine. The worst part is I had to dissect a giant grasshopper in high school anatomy. God I still remember having to rip its mandibles out of its face. Gahh shiver. The cat was much more manageable later on in the year lol
Never being able to get out from my family's thumb. Dying misirable, bitter, and angry at the world because my whole life was squandered. Realizing my one chance to have avoided all this passed thirty years ago and even then it was at best a half-chance.
Very specific weird fear:
One time, when I was a kid, I was on a road trip and we stopped at a McDonalds for some food and to use the bathroom. I went into the bathroom and the floor, walls and ceiling all had the same tile covering them. I don't know why, but when the door closed, I was so fucking terrified I made it halfway to the toilet and then turned around and ran out. It was such a strange experience and I have no idea why it got to me that bad.
I fear that, one day, the wrong people are going to find out I cheated on my finals in order to graduate, which does have consequences.
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Prion diseases. In order to work properly, proteins have to be folded in a certain way. Misfolded proteins typically don’t work as they should. Prions are misfolded proteins that cause other healthy proteins to misfold when they come into contact with each other. This causes all sorts of medical issues.
Mad Cow Disease is one of the more infamous prion diseases. In humans, it manifests as Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. It basically causes your brain to melt, as the proteins holding it together all get misfolded. It has a 100% fatality rate, typically within 1 year of initial diagnosis. Fatal Insomnia is another prion disease, where the area of the brain that controls sleep is affected, but the body’s need for sleep still persists. You just become totally unable to fall asleep, until you fucking die from sleep deprivation.
The big issue with prion diseases is that they’re totally 100% incurable and untreatable. Once you have come into contact with the prion, you have a death timer. Prions are also extremely resilient. They aren’t destroyed by time, decomposition, fire, or even caustic chemicals. So they’ll just sit there, waiting for someone to come into contact with them.
This
This guy gave me a lot of nightmares when I was 6 to 11 years old. Maybe because it showed up abruptly from a side of the screen
I have an irrational fear of Beaker of the Muppets.
I constantly worry the police are going to kick in my door and shoot my dogs before realizing they have the wrong apartment. Mostly I get this anxiety about it when standing in front of my door putting their leashes on so it has the added fear of being hit in the face by the door when they kick it in.
I'm afraid the world will end and I'll be a dick without my SSRIs or coffee
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A slow and painful death. Also,injury causing brain damage.
Being stuck in a traffic jam while driving. I have a 0% chance because I don't drive.
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