this post was submitted on 20 Mar 2025
295 points (99.3% liked)

Not The Onion

15173 readers
2956 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 

Egg interceptions up 116% so far this year, while seizures of fentanyl down 32%

top 29 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] cupcakezealot@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 8 hours ago

jokes on them i already cracked my egg

[–] jaybone@lemmy.world 23 points 13 hours ago

The trick is to hide your eggs in your fentanyl.

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 76 points 19 hours ago (3 children)

.............we live in the dumbest timeline.

[–] umbrella@lemmy.ml 3 points 10 hours ago

i mean we live in capitalism...

[–] TheGreyGhost@lemmy.ml 10 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago)

It’s been dumb for a while. During the Norwegian butter crisis (a shortage of butter in Norway), people would smuggle butter.

Edit: fixed factual errors in my comment.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norwegian_butter_crisis

[–] TachyonTele@lemm.ee 7 points 17 hours ago

We really do. If i wasn't so certain this was reality I'd expect to wake up soon.

Sadly, im already awake.

[–] ThePantser@sh.itjust.works 38 points 17 hours ago (2 children)

Well he won the war on drugs, by making eggs more valuable than cocaine.

[–] possiblylinux127@lemmy.zip 2 points 8 hours ago

Honestly that's a better strategy than whatever Bush was doing

[–] oppy1984@lemm.ee 12 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Narco subs filled with eggs any day now....

[–] genuineparts@infosec.pub 10 points 15 hours ago

I thought they wanted imports? So now when people take it into their own hands, like the brave entepreneurs they are it's also wrong....

[–] foggy@lemmy.world 26 points 18 hours ago (1 children)
[–] foggy@lemmy.world 28 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

If I keep posting this every time there are egg related political news stories, maybe it'll come true?

I put together a little short story about how I would like to see Donald Trump meet his demise. Drowning in eggs:

The Eggsecution.

The once-proud leader, now stripped of title and dignity, stands in the center of the barren, concrete abyss. The abandoned Olympic swimming pool—thirty feet deep, dry as bone—has become their final stage. Above, the gathered masses stretch in every direction, a writhing sea of anticipation.

They do not jeer. They do not boo.

They simply chant.

"Eggs. Eggs. Eggs."

It starts as a murmur, a low thrum of human voices vibrating in unison. Then it grows, swelling into a deafening roar that rattles windows, that shudders in the bones of every person present. A chant as ancient as it is absurd, a single-minded invocation of punishment.

The first egg arcs high overhead, tracing a lazy curve before splattering against the fallen leader’s shoulder. The yolk bursts, oozing down his baggy, ugly, now-useless suit. A streak of yellow, the first of many.

Another egg. Then another.

Then dozens.

The first impacts make them flinch, stagger—hands raised in a futile shield. But soon there are too many to dodge, too many to deflect. They curl inward as the sky rains viscous judgment. The chant never stops.

"Eggs. Eggs. Eggs."

Shells crack. Yolk drips. The scent of sulfur and shame thickens in the stagnant air. It coats their skin, their hair, their pride, turning them into something less than human. Something… egg-like.

At the top of the pit, a child—no older than seven—steps forward. They hold their egg with both hands, cradling it like something precious. Reverent. With a deliberate motion, they lob it downward. It strikes the leader square on the forehead, exploding with an almost musical plap. The crowd erupts into a fresh crescendo of cheers, but the chant never falters.

"Eggs. Eggs. Eggs."

No escape. No reprieve. The pit is smooth concrete, slick now with raw egg and humiliation. They can do nothing but stand there, endure, become part of the ritual.

Somewhere in the throng, a vendor hawks boiled eggs. Another sells cartons to the unprepared. A man in a chicken suit waves encouragingly at the crowd.

The night wears on, but the spectacle does not end.

It cannot end.

Not until the last egg is thrown. Not until the last voice is hoarse.

Not until the world is rid of this one, failed leader, broken not by swords or exile, but by the inescapable weight of public yolk and scorn.

"Eggs. Eggs. Eggs."

[–] Embargo@lemm.ee 5 points 18 hours ago

This is fantastically written. Well done! The dark acceptance of necessity is palpable.

[–] Shdwdrgn@mander.xyz 17 points 19 hours ago

People are just too impatient. Don't they know Trump promised to bring down the prices on his first day back in office? /s

[–] gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works 10 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

How much could one egg be, Michael? Ten dollars?

[–] CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

A local grocery store is selling, I kid you not, single eggs for a dollar.

No bulk pricing. One loose egg. $1

[–] possiblylinux127@lemmy.zip 1 points 8 hours ago

Last time I was at the store eggs were $14 USD...

[–] HappySkullsplitter@lemmy.world 8 points 18 hours ago

Glad to see they have their priorities straight

[–] toy_boat_toy_boat@lemmy.world 7 points 18 hours ago

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHahahahahhahaahahaahhaah

[–] kalleboo@lemmy.world 2 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

What's amazing how high they were already in 2024

[–] TachyonTele@lemm.ee 6 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago)

I for one, do not support eggs getting high.
Next thing you know they'll turn into murder chickens.

[–] peoplebeproblems@midwest.social 1 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

So I know eggs are used in a lot of products.

But I don't eat eggs by themselves. I get my protein from tons of other things. I get that like, you can't make pancakes or cake without an egg. But like I don't enjoy egg-based sauces for whatever reason.

Are eggs really that vital that the price gouging can't just be boycotted?

[–] SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz 4 points 13 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago) (1 children)

Eggs ~~are~~ were one of the cheapest sources of sustainable protein for many low-income families in the US.

[–] derpgon@programming.dev 1 points 12 hours ago (1 children)
[–] SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz 1 points 12 hours ago

Aye. Fixed. ):