The Onion
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
I keep trying to find the spot where it doesn’t look fake and I can’t!
Nah, i think it's the smalllest face on the planet, it gives the wrong impression
He couldn't aim for the face. The face was too small! So he aimed for something else.
That face is way too big to be Charlie's!
Horseshit. The head is far too easy of a shot. Like Mr. Mackey. This person wanted a challenge.
I do wonder if the neck shot was intentional or a miss. If the guy who did it is named mario I'm going to lose my shit.
First name, Mario, last name, Brothers.
Luigi Mario Brothers.
200 yards doesn't sound like a lot thanks to movies and such. But it's not trivial. Some practice would have been required. And don't forget the target wasn't motionless. One could also assume the shooter probably was a bit nervous too. So I doubt they really picked the spot unless they were a trained sniper.
Omfg that would just be legendary.
Not just his name, but he also needs to be a little chubby at least for the Mario to work.
The last I heard he actually died, though.
What I heard is:
- 200 yards
- 1 round expended
- 1 dead
- no collateral damage
Sounds like a pretty competent assassination to me.
Nice work 47
Gotta get maga back on his side and forget about Epstein somehow.
It's definitely what he would've wanted. Trust me, bro. Release the unaltered Epstein files for ol' bobbledead Chuckie Kirk.
Yeah. I actually watched the video of him being shot and the statements about him being in "critical condition" were clearly just "we don't want to admit he's dead yet." Not a video for the faint of heart. The shot blew open his neck arteries, I've never seen a fountain of chunky salsa like that in a real-life video before. And he instantly went into the "fencing response" pose, which is also a terrible sign in its own right even without the blood fountain. There were medical professionals commenting over on Reddit that if he'd been shot like that while he was lying on an operating table with a team of surgeons standing around him ready to get to work he still wouldn't have made it.
And he instantly went into the “fencing response” pose
That was what stood out to me the most. Just blood? Someone could poke a finger into that and mitigate the lethality by a ton. But the involuntary response to sudden pain is put your hands on it and guard it... Kirk's hands raised a bit, then kinda just flopped, which has me wondering if that bullet went in through the carotid and then blew his fucking spinal cord in half. Total loss of motor control.
...pretty sure that also means he shat and pissed himself on the way down.
This is the correct way to address Nazis.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
the fencing response is the result of brain stem trauma, not pain.
That's what I'm getting at - the bullet hole causes a lot of pain, and he didn't react to that in a normal way. The way is arms lifted slightly and just kinda stopped screamed neurologic damage. Even if they had stopped the bleeding a millisecond after he was hit, he'd have still been fucked.
Watched it? Shit I fuckin downloaded it.
Edit: agreed with those medical professionals. He would've been dead in less than 2-3 minutes even with the best surgical team in the country. That shit was like Tarantino levels of blood.
I'm so out of the loop these days. Where is a source to watch/ download the video uncensored?
Bluesky. There's a couple of angles.
https://bsky.app/profile/ulfh3dnar.bsky.social/post/3lyiwc7aodk2v
https://bsky.app/profile/maverickhammed.bsky.social/post/3lyjdfnwqd222
Thank you.
I saw it on X via a link from Reddit, but when I check that X link now it's been taken down. Bastion of free speech and all.
Ah. I have not been on x since before it transitioned.
404: Page Not Found
Sorry, we couldn't find a page at this URL
I can't find this article on the site. It's possible they took it down.
They did, they posted this before he was confirmed dead and updated it with "Antivaxxer finally takes a shot"
golf clap
That looks deleted now too.
cowards
Amazing reporting.
I would argue the shooter's aim time was too conservative. He took too long and fouled the shot.
I don't think they were aiming for the largest head on the planet. Graham Linehan was nowhere in the area.
They missed the smallest face on the planet, but that's understandable.
A "C" is still passing